Hello, Thirties!

This summer is just flying by and so much has happened and so much has changed, I can't even find time to write...not even in my paper journal.

I spent a week in Chicago this summer, it is the farthest west I have ever been. While there my department chair endorsed my research topic for my dissertation. I am a year out from entering comps for my PhD...it's getting a little scary, I can't lie.

I started selling LuLaRoe clothing and that has been an amazing adventure. It has brought so many new people into my life and it brought back so many old friendships that died as we all were busy growing up. It feels good to see so many faces back in my life.

I turned 30 this summer too, but moments before I did, PHIL PROPOSED! I'm engaged and we're planning a November wedding for next year. AHH! I am so excited to be marrying the love of my life and planning the wedding that we both have always dreamed of. I really can't wait.

I'm actually really excited for this time in my life. I get to be a wife in this decade, and maybe a mom. I'll also hopefully get tenure and finish my PhD. And then begin all new dreams and journeys along with it. I started this blog when I was 23? 24? I spent a lot of time writing about finding love, but now I want to write about what you do once you've found it. 

Our 2nd Anniversary & the Power of the Universe

I had this dream the other night about Bad Love. Up until that point, I couldn't even tell you the last time I had thought about him let alone had a dream about him. It was very strange. We met at what I think was a cafe and he sat in front of me and told me how he wanted to make it work out. All I kept saying was, "what about Phil?" He eventually starts getting frustrated with this answer and stops talking. It's one of those heavy, awkward silences that's almost painful. I get his attention again and I go, "You know what? I don't need you anymore."

And just like that, he got up and left. Then, I woke up.

"Been around the world so many times,I'm of the air, I'm of the sky. I wonder what my feet need the ground for, no one sing lullabies no more."

Fast forward to last night when my friend Catie and I were working on editing my latest manuscript because I promised myself that this was the year I was going to publish as much as I could. It's another manuscript that I had written and worked on and off on for several years...I would just always get nervous having people read my stuff. Which is really stupid when I think about how much of my stuff is out there for people to read. Anyway, this leads to discussion of Bad Love and the dream I had.

And then...it happened. When Bad Love and I were dating, he drew a picture of the Eiffel Tower for me. I so loved it. It was beautiful and it was my favorite place-- PARIS! It was the one thing I kept from that relationship over the years. It lived in a book case and it matched two more drawings I had acquired from a thrift store of the Arc de Triomphe and Sacre Coeur. Phil came into the room holding the broken frame and apologizing that it was the strangest thing, it just toppled out of and off the bookcase, breaking into four different pieces. Every other picture that's in there is still there, including the one that was in front of the drawing. Phil also had no idea what I was talking about to Catie at that moment because we were facebook messaging.

How creepy is that? The universe is very clearly wrapping up a brief chapter of my life that I turned into an extremely long chapter by using Bad Love as an excuse to date tool bag wannabe band boys.

Today also marks the two year anniversary of when Phil and I sat in an Applebee's drinking and eating hamburgers and playing never have I ever with a napkin. We were "official" by the end of that date and I think that was really only our 3rd or 4th date overall. We pretty much met and that was it, the rest were just formalities. Two years later, having backpacked across Europe together, gone to Disney World, adopted a dog and bought a house-- I can say that we have definitely been busy :0).

We spent the day today shoveling out from the monster blizzard we had and recuperating. I actually took a nap today that how run down and tired I feel with all that's going on. I'm thankful to have a snow day tomorrow and I'm also thankful that I got to be snowed in on my anniversary with the man I love, our dopey dog and our silly cats. It was definitely one of those super awesome weekends where you didn't have much of anything to do and you just got to be with your person.

Getting to watch Molly almost somersault backwards because she got stuck in a snow drift on our deck was also pretty priceless.  

Every Girl & Her 3 Big Loves

There's this theory that every woman has three big loves of her life. This theory was largely perpetuated by one of my all time favorite shows, Sex and the City, wherein Charlotte inadvertently insults Carrie by saying every woman gets three. Carrie then takes it the wrong way when she realizes that that would mean she was done and at the time single.

I was reminded of that episode today. For some reason, perhaps it's the change of the seasons or all the change that's happening in my life right now, but today, two people closest to me where bringing up the big loves of my life. Note: This means I've had my big three (maybe three and a half).

And at almost 30, about to move in with my longterm boyfriend into the house we just bought, I am okay with that. However, it did get me thinking and it reminded me how each woman in my life had picked a different love for me to wind up with.

Christmas 2014.

There was my high school into college sweetheart who was my first everything. We drifted apart our senior year of college for a variety of reasons, but I think the big one was that he is very happy living a life in the town that he grew up in and I have always had my sights set on bigger things. That year, I had lived abroad for the first time and my wanderlust thirst was only beginning. We're still friends and talk on occasion. Most importantly, we're both happy too. My dad always thought that this love would be the one I married.

Then came the big one, my first relationship after my high school sweetheart. I was just out of college and trying to figure myself out. I hadn't found a job yet. He was four years older and the exact opposite of my ex-boyfriend. He knew how to woo a girl-- flowers, phone calls until all hours of the night, cute little things...it didn't take long for me to fall hard. And then, for it to all fall apart rather quickly. We were young. He still had a lot of jerky boy crap to go through and he had to live out his college days. It was devastating though and it hurt me for a long time. This love plunged me into moving around, taking big risks, dating really stupid guys and just not caring. Years later, we would try to be friends but somewhere in him saying something stupid to me on Facebook and then asking me for advice about a girl he was dating....it just didn't last long. Before it got to that point though, my mom thought that this was the love that I would marry.

Now here's the half. And no, no one thought I would marry this one. This was the broken guy, the emotionally unavailable guy that liked having me around, but God forbid he ever commit and seriously, how dare I even think about dating other men. Being with him was like a drug and it became a really bad addiction. The drama and the constant up and down with him was at times exhilarating especially when there were times where I felt like I "won." Won what, I am not sure, but at the time if something went my way or filled a want, then I had won and it made me want to keep going. When he did finally half-ass commit, it was short lived. I had a date set that I was going to dump him, he beat me to it though and for some reason that hurt more than anything else he had done. Later on, we tried the friendship thing. Also, short lived. I call this my half because looking back now, I think I was more addicted to the chase of it than I was in love with this person. He was pretty crappy to me...a lot...but it was really like a drug. One that I was happy to finally have kicked and after him? Well, I called every guy out on their bs the moment I found it in dating. No one thought this was the love I would marry, but this was the love that changed me and made me harder to get.

Which leads me to Phil, my last love. The kind of love that wrote me a poem on our third date, and came with me on my grand European backpacking tour, who brings me diet soda and rubs my feet (with lotion) and tucks me int bed at night. The kind of love that washes my hair and brings me flowers because it's Thursday and he wanted to. The kind of love that makes up the worst songs and sings them to me when we cuddle. The kind of love that I can see being the father of my children and growing old with him. The kind of love that lets me be myself, even if that means I make ASMR videos on school vacations just for fun. The kind of love that I know I'll marry. 

Moving Forward

I started this blog years ago and at first it started as a photo project that didn't really work and then it became my own where I wrote about my first real "adult" heartbreak and moving on from it. Then, after dating all kinds of idiots, I wrote about finally finding a non-idiot who really was the biggest idiot of them all.

And then, I sort of just stopped writing.

I got busy with other things-- with teaching and traveling, mainly backpacking through Europe (with the man I eventually met), and finding myself in a good, loving relationship and then before I knew it, with moving out completely on my own with no room mates or college lifestyle to fall back on.

And then, I finished my masters and begun the steps towards a PhD.

....And then, I bought a house.

However, most importantly, I think I'm finally learning the importance of just breathing and enjoying something. I've worked really hard to get to this point and I have done it on my own and unlike some women my age, I have done this without the help of a husband or live-in boyfriend.

I've gotten to the point of having what I wanted and I sort of noticed the enormity of that feeling as I was packing up my kitchen for the move to my house. I took off all of the magnets that Phil and I collected throughout Europe, along with the ones I picked up on my own travels including a couple magnets I bought on a class trip with my 8th graders last year and one I got at the local museum in the city that I teach in.

I was a little sad as I looked them over before I packed them and realized how exciting each of those moments were that inspired a magnet purchase and now they're all over. And at times, I don't know if I fully appreciated them as I lived them or maybe that's just because I'm looking back now.

It sort of made me realize now that as this year winds down, there are things that I want to do next year to make me enjoy everything that I have now more. I want to blog more and read for fun more. I know that my PhD classes are going to take up most of my time, but I would like to make time for things I like do like blogging and reading. I really would like to finally finish the book I started for my thesis or the second year of Miss Burton's Class. It's just hard and for the first time in many years, I have found manuscript writing to be beyond difficult. Maybe that can be next year's plan or something soon....

Who knows.

Looking for travel?

Then, you should check out my other blog "A Hart Full of Love" for a complete review of my month in Europe! 

The Search for Mr. Fabulous: Olivia Pope Says It Best

"I am not a toy that you can play with when you're bored or lonely or horny. I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, earn me! Until then, we are done."

- Olivia Pope, Scandal

The Search for Mr. Fabulous: Five Mistakes Guys Make in Online Dating

Okay, none of us are champions in dating because really if we were, we wouldn't be on these sites because we would have found our partner and are too busy living happily ever after to be surfing the depths of online dating.

Google Images

I've done online dating in a plethora of ways for the past three years on and off. I have met the good, the bad, the crazy and the certifiable, but I also did meet a few nice guys too that it just wasn't right for either of us.

And in that time, I have seen guys make a lot of stupid mistakes that just kill their chances of ever meeting someone on there for anything meaningful. Or even just for a first date. So here you are, a view into the mind of a woman. Here it is guys, the keys to the kingdom or better known a the five big no-no's of online dating:

5.) "I'm a musician!" - Okay, there are some people out there that can make a comfortable living with their music, art and writing, however, for the most part, this is not true. And it kills me when you start talking to a guy and you ask them what they do and they go, "Well, I was in a band, I'm a musician!" That's not a job nor is it a career. It's a hobby, one that you don't even seem to be doing anymore to even make it into a job or career one day. Admit that you're working retail and have no clue about your life plan yet, it's okay.

4.) The "look at me I'm holding a baby!" picture - First off, I'm going to think the kid is yours. And if I'm not that taken by you on first glance, chances are I'm not going to keep reading to find out the relation of that child to you. And then if I did keep reading, and it's like your niece, nephew, randomly borrowed friend's child, I'm just going to think it's weird. You think that picture is screaming "look at me, I am so awesome that I love kids," but in reality it's just weird. A borrowed kid means you eventually give it back and it doesn't show any time or commitment to anything on your part. Congratulations, you can hold a baby...I am unimpressed.

3.) The "look at my hot bod" pictures - It just shows how into yourself you are and how uninterested I am. It also screams that you're looking for booty and not for anything beyond that. Those pictures just scream jerk and send many running in the opposite direction. Generally, if you make a profile all about you to the point where you come off as self-absorbed, it's a no-go for most women.

2.) Toys. Pictures of toys, pictures with toys and talk of toys - I'm a nerd, I get it. I have a Jane Austen action figure that's still in the wrapping. That's probably the nerdiest thing I will ever cop to, but I have it, it exists. I get the nerd factor. However, I do not post that anywhere on an online dating site and she lives in a box in my closet. So, to post that stuff in any of the above mentioned ways sends one clear message: man-child! And nobody wants to hookup with, date or even attempt to get serious about a man-child because in reality we just wind up being a mom and who wants to mother a full-grown man? No one. Ditch the toys.

1.) I'm just going to not put anything out there, ever - I am always leery of profiles that are not filled out or have obscure pictures where you can't see anything or are like of a shoe. I mean what's the point?  And what are you hiding? Why are you on an online dating site, regularly signing in if you're not looking for something? And if you are looking for something why not put effort into it? The only message you're sending me is that you aren't serious, you're not one for effort and if it's not that then you're probably married or in a relationship and that's why you're hiding because you don't want your significant other to find out about your extra curriculars. Same goes with guys that just fill everything out with "I'm a private person, so just ask!" No, I don't want to ask. Tell me. 

The Search for Mr. Fabulous: What I Don't Get About Guys

And probably never will, but it just gets me.

I had a friend that has her own band boy. When she talks about it I just go UGH can't they both just become BFF, form a jerk club and run off into the sunset together? All the while vowing to never again try to date another girl because they're just going to do the same to her.

It won't happen, but one can dream.

So, the thing that gets me and I will never understand? Ok. Ready? Ready.

I will never understand the kind of guys that play a big game. I mean the type that say that they want a relationship with you, tell you that they love you and that they want to have a life with you, but then one day, usually very soon after they profess all that go, oh wait, never mind, he no longer has those feelings, but I still want to talk to you everyday and be your BFF because I do love you.

Wait. What?

I've had it happen to me twice. The first was Matt, my first real "adult" relationship after college. He literally called me up one day after our first strained part of our relationship and goes, "I thought I love you, but I don't. It stopped growing."

My response? "Well, then this is done." Followed by a long bloated silence. To which I finally say, "hello?"

"I can't believe you just said that to me," he responds.

Er. Didn't you just after a year of dating me  and talks of me moving and taking a new job and you wanting to live together CALL ME to tell me that you didn't love me? "What do you expect? I'm done with this game."

"Well can't we still be friends?! I want to talk to you! I have to talk to you!"

"No." Click.

And I hang up. And I mourn for a long time because he was the first person that really broke my heart and my trust in people. I didn't talk to him for three years and even then that "friendship" lasted a summer, if that because he couldn't take responsibility for what he had done. He admitted it was a screwed up thing, but never said it was him or his fault or that he shouldn't have played the love game if that wasn't what he felt. He had started all of that talk, not me and I felt like if you don't feel that way then don't say it because it builds up the other person, it helps build up their feelings and their hopes and its just cruel because eventually you're going to leave them, so why make them think that they are loved and that you won't?

Four years later, band boy enters my life and we share a lot. Like pretty much every dirty detail of, everything. I open up about this whole thing that happened with Matt. And he tells me how cruel that is and how it was done to him too.

And a year later? Turns around and does the same exact thing. In a text message. And then wants to be friends and BFF and text me all day long and call me as if everything that happened didn't and like it was all okay. Like he did nothing wrong.

Gets me because guys like that really think they did nothing wrong and in turn try to manipulate me into feeling bad because to them *I'M* the one making them the "bad guy," but the reality is they are the bad guy. They were selfish, careless and totally disregarded how their actions were going to make you feel. And just thought that it was all okay because in the end they didn't get hurt and could walk away without a thought in the world. That "we just dated and it didn't work." Really, dude?

I can be friends with people I have "just dated" and even ones I had relationships with that didn't work out. My high school sweetheart and I would have been together 10 years yesterday. We reminded each other of it like we always do, talked and wished each other well deciding that since I was spending it doing work for my masters and he was going to a music fest that it was pretty much on point of how it should be.

That's one thing I admire about my relationship with him. Neither one of us ever took our love away or demeaned the other's feelings or thoughts or the promises we made, but after years of trying, realized it just wasn't it for either of us and found a lifelong friendship instead.

Because when you truly do love someone, it doesn't go away, but sometimes it just evolves into something else all together. But to demean someone, their value or their feelings or to lie to them and play them and then act like its no biggie is just so...you know what? It's so Don Draper.

And really, who wants to be in love with friends with Don Draper?

The Search for Mr. Fabulous: Gifts from the Universe

When you're out there looking to meet the right guy you have to date your way through all of the sludgey toads that cross your path. So, that when you do meet the one, the only Mr. Fabulous, you not only know beyond a shadow of a doubt, but you also appreciate him for all of the wonderful things he does for you that the icky toads never did.

And in the interim, there are guys that the universe gives you as little gifts along the way. They can be the guy that on your worst day just stopped and held the door open for you, or the guy that complimented you when you least expected or if you're really lucky the guy that just takes you out. These little gifts sort of help to restore your faith that he is in fact out there and that no matter how crappy you may feel or even how lonely and frustrated you become, that Mr. Fabulous is out there, waiting to treat you all the time like these little gifts do and that he too is looking for you just like you are looking for him.

I entered the land of dating again last week. I sort of loathed the entire idea. I absolutely hated it to be honest. I mean how many dates and relationships can you go through? That end bad? That hurt you? Like when do you just say enough? I was to that point, but my best friend from college wasn't going to let that happen so she created an online dating profile for me.

Which lasted until last night, but that's a different story. Today's story is about a gift from the universe in the form of a guy. He was older. He was very educated, travelled and cultured. He was on my level which after dating a kid for the past year, it just felt really nice to be out on a date with a grown up. He took me to a crazy expensive restaurant and I ate amazing seafood. The date was awkward and it was clear we both were not meeting Mr. and Miss Fabulous that night, but it was nice to talk to someone who was interested enough in me to take me out and ask me questions about travel and about my life.

And it was even cute for the week that we were talking and he would text me each morning in Italian and I would answer him in French. I know, totally gag worthy, but after this last relationship go-round, I really just needed that awfully cute yet clearly over-educated stuff. I craved it, someone showing an effort just for me.

In the end, it was okay when we both stopped texting. It was never going to be a great romance, but for me it was a little gem that gleamed into my life and reminded me that he is out there...somewhere.

It reminded me of nice it feels to be courted as opposed to having someone chase you down to try to  "hookup" with you to see if it "goes anywhere." That's the big difference I have found between guys my age and men in their thirties, older guys don't even think that that bs hookup culture is how you go about a girl that you like and want to pursue.

And I just love that!

 I know that I'm going to get over all of the bad I have felt even though I am never going to get an apology or even an admission that what my ex did was wrong, selfish, manipulative and absolutely hurtful. It's cool though, it seems the universe has got this. 

I just didn't see the green light...

Ever since I was a child 

I've turned it over in my mind 

I sang by the piano 

Tore my yellow dress and 

Cried and cried and cried 

And I don't want to see what I've seen 

To undo what has been done 

Turn off all the lights 

Let the morning come, come 

Now there's green light in my eyes 

And my lover on my mind 

And I sing from the piano 

Tear my yellow dress and 

Cry and cry and cry 

Over the love of you 

On this champagne-drunken home 

Against the current of gold 

Everybody see I love him 

'Cause it's the feeling that you get 

When the afternoon is set 

On the bridge into the city 

I don't want to see what I've seen 

To undo what has been done 

Turn off all the lights 

Let the morning come 

There's green light in my eyes 

And my lover on my mind 

And I sing from the piano 

Tear my yellow dress and 

Cry and cry and cry 

'Cause your're a hard soul to save 

With an ocean in the way 

But I'll get around it 

'Cause your’re a hard soul to save 

With an ocean in the way 

But I'll get around it 

Now there's green light in my eyes 

And my lover on my mind 

And I sing from the piano 

Tear my yellow dress and 

Cry and cry and cry 

Over the love of you 

Cry and cry and cry 

Over the love of you 

(I can see the green light 

I can see it in your eyes) 

Cry and cry and cry 

Over the love of you 

I can see the green light 

I can see it in your eyes

What are you looking for in love?

"I want to know that if my limbs fall off we'd still be together no matter what. And when he says my name it sounds different in his mouth. You know? Like it's safe there. Or, I put on perfume and he puts on cologne and we go out and we can smell each other. Or that he can make me smile when I'm tired. Thats a big one. That when you tell them something that you're scared to tell them because you're afraid they'll stop loving you. But when you tell them, it actually makes them love you more. You tell them that you like their shirt and they end up wearing it everyday. The greatest example of this is my grandparents. My grandmother has arthritis in her hands and she can't bend down to paint her toes so my grandfather does it for her all the time. Even though he has arthritis in his hands too."

So...are you out there dude? Out there and looking to find me and love me even if something super bad happens and I end up with four nubs instead of limbs? Anyone? Bueller?

The Search for Mr. Fabulous: The Fairy Tale to Hold All Fairy Tales

My grandfather died twelve years ago today. His was the first death that really hit me probably because my grandfather was just the best. He would always hug me, play with me and make me feel loved - no matter what. He'd carry me around, call me sweet pea his raspy voice and laugh whenever the kids did something funny.

It was such a deep, happy laugh too. When I think about it now, I just think of comfort and consistency.

And that's just who he was. He was just such a man. He worked hard, he loved his family and was happiest when he was with us.

He also loved my grandmother to absolute pieces. He was about 9 years older than her. He was my age when they met and she was just a teenager, but to this day, she will tell you he is the only man she had ever loved.

My favorite story about my grandparents is that my grandfather had been engaged before he had met my grandmother and gone off to war, when he came home the woman was having a baby with some other guy! Can you believe that? So, my grandfather of course leaves her and sometime later meets and marries my grandmother.

Fast forward to a trip to Coney Island a couple years, after they're married. My grandma at this point is very pregnant with my aunt and she sees my grandfather talking to some girl. She walks over to them, probably as pissed off as my hormonal grandmother could have been and waits. Within seconds, my grandfather bursts into a smile, puts his arm around my grandmother and goes, "And THIS, this is my wife, Helen," oozing with all sorts of adoration and pride at showing her off to the very woman that had probably hurt him very deeply years before that.

That's the kind of man my grandfather was. When he loved, he loved for real and he protected and adored.

My grandmother tells me one other story about my grandfather that moved me to tears. At the time I thought it was because she was telling me this as a means to make me hold out for that kind of love following another relationship ending, but even now, I'm tearing up as I type this.

Twelve years ago when my grandfather was dying and his mind was rattled with dementia, he didn't really know us anymore and it was fleeting glimpses really. But there was one last conversation she had with him where he turned to her one day in the hospital, knowing that his end was in fact coming and said to her, "I'm scared."

Nodding, my grandmother seeks to comfort him. "I know."

"I'm scared for you," he tells her.

She stares at him.

"When I'm gone who will take care of you?"

Mustering up what I feel would need to be a huge amount of strength, my grandmother says to him, "It's okay, John. God will take care of me."

"Then I leave you in God's hands," he replies.

He died a few days later. Even in the end which I am sure is the scariest freaking thing that can ever happen to you, his thoughts were for my grandmother. Now, isn't that the fairy tale? To know that you were loved that much, for so long and even in your partner's final moments, his thoughts were solely of you for a bit.

Every year since then, I visit my grandmother because I can not imagine how horrible this day still must be for her. I couldn't get there this year and we had all but a five minute phone call, but I know she still appreciated that because sometimes you just need someone to care.

She listens to me cry over my breakups, well the big ones that actually bother me, and sometimes I wonder if she wants to slap me because the love she lost seems so much greater than the love that I've had in my life.

I still can't believe it's been 12 years already. It seems like yesterday but in the same time, another life time ago as well. 

Creating Beauty

I guess when things fall apart you sort of get two options - let it destroy you or take it as a means to start something new. Since it all changed, I've been focusing on the starting something new. I've been working on and finishing most of the projects I have started and had yet to start since I now seem to have all of this free time on my hands.

This weekend was really laid back compared to my non-stop weekend last week. I read about half of Lisa Genova's Left Neglected for my book club and I started to knit a Ravenclaw scarf that I have wanted to make since forever, but never really got around to making. Next fall, hopefully when I have my English teaching job, I will totally be rocking my Harry Potter scarf to class.

I had also bought a new bed several months ago, but it's black and the furniture I inherited from my great aunt is not. And so I started messing with some of it, like the rocking chair that got ruined over the years and an old chair that I think I actually got from a garage sale:

The rocking chair was harder. I added the decal you see on the top which meant that I also had to gloss part of the chair and make it match the rest of the chair. It looks great though, I even antiqued it a little bit.

I spent yesterday gardening. I planted over 50 lilies in the front garden. They are my absolute favorite and I tried to include every kind that they had at the garden center. It's going to be beautiful when they bloom. I also added wild flowers in between them. It's going to be a sight!

Today I tried to re-teach myself self portraiture. I was never very good at it and since I haven't really kept up with drawing, I think it's going to take a lot of practice to get it right:

And then I watched endless amounts of LOST. About half way through my marathon I decided that if I was a character that I would be John Locke because he's the realist who always tries to see why people do and say what they do. He also always seems to pick the wrong person to love, with any kind of love, not just romantic usually because he always tries to see the good in people. It sort of sets him up for failure and to get burned...story of my life. 

Then, just like that the weekend is over and I'm back to work tomorrow, doing both jobs. I just have to keep believing that this upcoming year is going to be MY YEAR in every sense of the word....

I love LOST for all of the different side stories and how they all come together, even before the crash. And I absolutely love the love story of Bernard and Rose:

The Search for Mr. Fabulous: A Generation of Women That "Wait"

Following my breakup which was really a year in the making, probably from the point that I had first met him, my girlfriends and family had all rallied around me. And I needed that. When I had been in that "relationship," I pretty much got alienated from my life and usually your boyfriend fills in those spots for the friends that don't want to stick around, don't like who you're with or who are just off doing their thing while you do yours, but mine never did. He stayed distant and separate all the time.

And my friends picked up on that and I tried to hide it because I didn't want my friends to not like him, but it's sort of a hard thing to hide when people ask you to do things at times that they expect you to you know, be with your boyfriend and you're only all too happy to accept. Or, you call them when you had plans with your boyfriend to then make plans with them because you got cancelled on again and well, sitting home stewing is just not time you want to waste.

I had become one of those women that waits - waits for it to get better, wait for them to get better, wait for them to realize...

During the first few months oh did I vent. I let it all out because I had been holding everything in for so long. I dwelled heavily on how he always treated me like an option not a priority and then when I got to the breakup part of my never ending band boy novel, I just unloaded about how nasty he became when I didn't want to do his "let's take a break, but still be BFF and it's all good."

No, thanks.

Then my friends I guess in a way to make me feel better over the saga that I had lived in, in the land of the gray band boy area for a year, would then tell me about someone they knew. Another friend or a friend of a friend or whatever.

"He sounds very immature, and seriously needs to grow up, but maybe that just means you're not meant to be together now, but one day when he's ready, you will be!"

Face. Palm. "Oh...you mean when he realizes?"

"No really, I have this friend and she dated this guy and he jerked her around for weeks, months, years, etc., but then one day he realized!"

"Oh so he made a commitment to her? They're planning to get married?"

"Well...no, but they're moving in together! And she's leaving her life, job, friends, etc. and she's just so happy."

Really? How is that any different? You're going to sell yourself out after however long he jerked you around to then have the pleasure of having his name on a lease with you? A lease. You are giving up everything...for a lease.

Since when did the lease become some big commitment? A lease is nothing. It's a piece of paper carrying bigger consequences for when he once again gets scared/decides it's not what he really wants/decides to play the jerk around game again. I don't get it. If you want a wife, make a commitment. This whole thing of my generation where it's you date for a period of time and then move in together before getting married is just stupid to me. You know if you want a life with someone and you figure that out pretty quickly, why do you need to play house as some "big step" towards an actual commitment? If you want to live with it, ya gotta put a ring on it.

And for what? Just to have your time waste when you could be out there single, enjoying your life your way and setting yourself up to meet the person that is not going to jerk you around or treat you any less than you deserve!

So ladies, you ready? STOP WAITING! Ditch that loser who does not realize the fabulousness that is you. And move on because the guy that will marry you, who will make a real, honest commitment to you is not the guy that strung you along for months, a year, years, etc. but will from the moment that meets you treat you with the respect and dignity that your feelings deserve.

My Hiatus

Five years ago I took a hiatus from dating and well from life as a whole. It was hard. I was hurt, lonely and I couldn't find a job for the life of me because the economy tanked. 

And for three years, I didn't date. I had very little to do with guys. I cared, but I didn't.

And then for the past two years with the job and graduate school all figured out, I dated all different kinds of guys and found myself single again. And today as I left work, my third French teaching job in a year, I felt very happy with it just being me again.

I get up, I go to work, I speak French and then I come home and watch Mad Men on netflix while I craft. I even stained my desk chair to match my new furniture. I've been reading all of the books I've had piling up and I am even nearly finished making the softest baby blanket in the history of the world.

The yarn was just so soft, I had to buy it even though there is no baby for this blanket, but seriously, this blanket just had to exist. And it will and will probably be given to one of my college friends that are all getting married and you know, having babies. Or, it will sit in my closest until that day where I need it.

It's weird, I blinked and suddenly everyone I went to school with has moved on with their lives. I have too, but I am officially the last one that's still waiting on that special guy to show up. That idea used to scare the crap out of me, being the last one. But it has happened and I'm happy.

I'm just doing me. This year was a big one, my first  "real" job, having a boyfriend for a hot second, buying a car, getting completely out of debt, paying back student loans - it was like hello, adulthood. And I did it. I did it all.

I have a banging art program all planned for the summer and a whole bunch of new adventures starting. It's a good feeling and I am enjoying my dating hiatus. Which has a totally undefined ending point. I think the next time I start dating someone will be far into the future and it will also have to be someone that wows me from the beginning. The next one, is going to be the right one and until then, I'm just going to teach, paint, knit, watch copious amounts of netflix and craft.

He's out there, he's just with all the wrong women right now and he's going to have to find me, I'm done looking for him.

Meeting Mr. Fabulous

Have you ever watched the movie Practical Magic with Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman? It's one of my favorites. I absolutely love it. I love when Sandra Bullock's character creates her true love spell for the guy that she thinks doesn't exist. Only he does and he eventually finds her and well, a whole bunch of stuff happens and he eventually comes to love her. Total chick movie. And I can watch it over and over again without shame.

It got me thinking. Though, I am not longer a relationship blogger or web columnist and lack any real desire to blog about my experiences, I still do think about what it is going to be like when I go fall in love again and hopefully the next time will be with the right person. Which then today got me to thinking what I want the right person to be like.

In college, my room mate and I wrote out these long lists of what we thought we wanted in our true loves. I held onto it for years, but I think I have since thrown it away in the great ex boyfriend stuff purge of 2012.

On Easter, my uncle I think got me so mad for the first time ever in life. It's kind of hard to get mad at my uncle, but the last thing I wanted to talk about on Easter was my love life. And he went right for it and made a joke about how I should stop dating tall guys and find myself a nice short guy because maybe what I am attracted to and want isn't what is going to make me happy. I quite literally wanted to deck him over the Easter ham as he went on about women he knew that found guys different to what they thought and couldn't be happier. I promptly told him, then that's great for them, I'm glad settling suits them.

Conversation, over.

But that's the thing, my guy is tall. And he's darker featured and he has facial hair. Think Alcide from True Blood.

He's creative in his own way. He knows how to think outside the box and find different approaches to things. He's good at building and fixing things, he enjoys doing that.

He plays music, but in the way that he does not in anyway shape or form have some dead end dream about being a famous rocker boy. Instead, it's something that he does for the fun of it and the enjoyment rather than the unrealistic ideal that he'll one day be the next Van Halen.

He went to college. And maybe even graduate school. He's ambitious and driven to make a good life for himself where he can support himself and be comfortable.

He believes in God, but not in some nut-so fanatic way, but in the way that he truly knows that there is a higher power and that we do come from that.

He shares my sense of humor and can play it back with equally snappy sarcasm.

He's tender and kind. He can anticipate my needs. He's calmer than I am so when I get all wound up like I do, he knows how to handle it and not get all wound up with me.

He can talk to me about anything and I with him. And even with the hard stuff, it's really not hard because we can make jokes about it with ease.

We have fun just being together, even if we're doing nothing at all.

And he plays with my hair until I fall asleep and holds me while he does it, letting me drift off on his chest.

Most importantly, he believes in family and wants one of his own someday, one that includes me and the potential for children eventually.

And from the moment he meets me, he thinks enough of me to treat me with respect and make me a priority in his life. Spending time with me and getting to know everything that makes me well, me!

When he does spend time with me, he makes me feel protected and cared for. He does things like walking me to my door, opening car doors for me and walking me into a place. As independent as I am, I just love when a guy does that. It makes me feel good.

And he's out there, he just hasn't found his way to me just yet.