There are many things this summer...

School is finally  over in 5 days. It should have been over weeks ago, but at least, we're down to days.

This was my worst year as a teacher. It was hard, there were tears and many times I rally fantasized about quitting and finding a job that had nothing to do with kids.

One of my students was murdered. I was assaulted by a kid that wasn't even mine.

Done. I am just done with this year.

And now it's summer where I am going to remodel my kitchen and it will be beautiful. The last of the appliances already came and I put up this back splash:

Once the new sink, faucet,counter and cabinets are all up, the entire place is going to look very different. The cabinets now are almost as old as I am and have been painted, red, white and then blue. At one time my kitchen was purple with red cabinets-- I still don't know what those people were thinking.

It will be modern with a touch of vintage, just like the rest of my house. We're also putting up a faux tin ceiling in the kitchen with a fleur de lis design. I'll be very sad when we out grow this house and have to move.

I'm teaching one college class this year and then I get to go to Chicago for my doctoral residency and talk about urban literacy and the visual arts for 5 days. I come home and...turn....30. This birthday has been haunting me all year. there are times where I still feel 16...I'm just not sure how 30 years have happened for me. So crazy!

The real nice part of this summer though? I'll have time even though I'm doing all of this. My class is only 5 weeks and though I am taking two PhD classes, those too will go quickly. In the mean time, I'll be kicking off my summer on June 23rd at about 11am when Phil said he will wake me up with a big glass of pina colada sangria.

Afterwards, you'll find me at the beach with this beauty:

Where the only worry I will have for about a week and a half will be house breaking our puppy.

What Is Found In Grief

There are many things that I have realized and come to except through different periods of my life while I was grieving. My last big bought with it came with the end of my time as a French teacher and coincidentally the end of a rather emotionally abusive relationship. I found art and literature again, and finally finished my masters as I got through it. I also met Phil.

I have written how hard and outright exhausting this year has been, it's just insanity really. My college class that I teach ends next week and upon hearing the news, Phil exclaimed, "oh thank God, I can't wait for this year to be over."

"Have I been then miserable to live with," I asked, half-jokingly.

"Yup, pretty much, but I do still love you," he said.

You can't blame someone who has had the craziest year teaching middle school on top of taking two PhD courses per term AND teaching one of her own English courses at night. There has been a lot of crying this year.

And then, last week tragedy really struck. A former student of mine who was one of my kids-- as teachers you do have students that become closer to you, your kids-- was shot in the head while she was out with her friends and died two days later. The morning of the news of her passing, teachers, including myself were balling their eyes out as we tried to get through the day and teach. It was awful. It was so beyond anything I ever prepared myself for when I became a teacher. Last year, her mother died and she was notified of her passing in my class. I felt completely helpless then, but now, I didn't even know what to say as some of my most challenging students sobbed and clung to me for dear life.

I somehow blindly got through the week and Phil and I got to spend the weekend together which is unheard of because we are on opposite schedules. We went out to lunch on the water and ran errands for the house, stopping at an adoption center for dogs. We were just looking for fun. We had talked about getting another dog because Molly really wants to play with someone and the cats have pretty much told her to f off, so we figured someday we'd be adding another dog. Turns out Saturday was that day. We walked in and saw all kinds of cute dogs, but there was one that the moment we had walked in, came right to the front of the cage and started to try to burrow his way out. He had no interest in anyone else but us and it was weird because even though the place was packed, no one else was even looking at him.

An hour later, he was sitting in my lap snoozing on the way home. We hadn't even gotten to PetSmart yet and Phil looked at me and goes, "Can we call him Behr, but B-E-H-R?"

"Only if we can call him Professor Behr," I add.

"That's perfect!!"

"It is, it's from Little Women-- Jo marries Professor Behr in the end."

"You're a literature nerd."

"Mhhhmm."

And so, Professor Behr, the bichon frise was born. The cats ignore him and so far Molly has been seething jealousy, but at the same time trying to play with him too. And so, this week taught me anything it's to surround yourself with what you love. Plant gardens, paint pictures, plan adventures, raise children and animals. Write and read books, teach classes and do it all with your partner if you are lucky enough to find them. Most importantly, don't let anyone dull your happiness because they're bitter or don't agree with what you've chosen for yourself. Love the life you want because you only get one. Professor Behr, our newest addition, will always be my reminder.