Teacher Tired, It Kills

I remember being younger, probably college, and hearing about some super star musician having to cancel concerts because of "exhaustion."

And I thought, what bull shit. You make millions of dollars to entertain people-- how can you be that tired that you have to cancel?

Well, as someone who does not make millions and has to both entertain AND teach teenagers everyday...I kind of get exhaustion now. This is the first year that I am really feeling it. I'm just tired all the time. I don't want to do much once I leave my classes other than stare at a wall when I get home.

Last night? Last night I got home and laid down. I got up and made dinner. Ate dinner and promptly fell asleep on the couch by 8:30. I didn't wake up until 6AM and was quickly in a panic to get gas, make my lunch, breakfast, coffee and shower.

And you know what? I'm STILL tired.

Today is a double teaching day too: 8th grade all day, college freshman all night.

Teacher tired, it kills.

You know you're old when...

You begin to look forward to summer for the simple reason that it means you can breathe.

I can't say that 2016 has been a bad year, but it's been a hard year. Every several years as a teacher, you get a year where you think it can't get anymore bat-shit crazy than it already is, but it does. Those are the worst years. This year is one of those.

I had already told Phil before Christmas that this summer I was not working full-time. I was not going to run a summer camp. I was not going to wait tables. I was just not.

And the good news is that I'm not. I'm teaching one college class and working on my dissertation for my next residency.

This is, end-of-year-teacher-tired.

It's still going to be a lot, but it won't be the insanity that was this year. I am hopeful that next year will be easier and won't have the personal stuff with it all too.

My grandmother is pretty sick and my cat, Jack Nicholson, was just diagnosed with diabetes and a heart murmur. His heart is actually the size of my fist. I've only had him for a year and he had spent much of his life being a NYC tom cat. Scary when I think that when I got him, he had a clean bill of health other than a cold that antibiotics quickly took away. Now, for the rest of his little cat life I will have to give him insulin shots. We have the consult with the vet specialist on Friday and I am not looking forward to this at all. I can get shots, but giving them skeeves me out. Probably one of the big reasons that after Rutgers, I went on for teaching instead of nursing.

 

The guys. Jack & Milo

I think the most unnerving of everything with Jack Nicholson is that when I look at photos of him from before, he's a big, meaty lynx point and now he's a patchy haired skeleton that sits on my feet purring and lays on the floor licking his butt and farting into his own face. There was a time where he was a lot more...err..regal than that.

If you'd like to donate to help with Jack Nicholson's ever-growing vet bill-- I set up a go fund me...here.

To end on a happy note...guys, look at my beautiful bathroom:

 

A Year and 2 Months Later...

I am officially a college professor! It was really shocking to me. I had gotten a call over the holidays from one college that I had applied to. I was very excited, it seemed like it was at last going to happen. On top of that, it was literally 10 minutes from our house so it would be an easy commute. The professor that called me told me to get in touch with the dean and I'd know more then.

I waited a day and emailed her, expressing my excitement. Her response? She'd be reviewing resumes that week and would get back to me. I emailed her to thank her for the response and then...never heard from her again.

I was devastated. 

Fast forward to two weeks ago, after I had a pretty crappy night of feeling uncertain about my life and frustrated over my stalled bathroom wherein I wrote this blog. I went to bed that night pretty much shouting at God about how tired I was of fighting for things and why can't I just ever get something like being the college professor that I always wanted to be without having to constantly burn myself out in the process. It was like a switch went off after I was done shouting at him in my head, and I just felt this overwhelming sense of peace and relief and it was almost like someone was whispering to me, "You're going to get it. Your life is going to be changing."

The next morning, I was sitting at my desk during my prep checking e-mails when another college that I had applied to countless times beginning a month before my actual master's degree was even conferred emailed me asking me if I could come in to interview for a position beginning this month, but that this email wasn't a promise of anything, they just wanted to talk to me. I emailed her right back and by the following morning I had an interview set for after school.

I was incredibly nervous.

It was actually two interviews. One with the person who sets up classes and another with the department chair. At first I felt for sure, it was not going well, but then as she started asking me questions about my wide-range of teaching experiences and we got to talking about them, the conversation changed in a blink and she was showing me my textbooks and introducing me to the dean.

I was probably holding my breath the entire time.

And I still didn't believe this was even reality until last week when all of my HR paperwork and transcripts were in so that I could get my ID and parking permit.

The other strange encounter? Getting the ID. I had to wait in line and a student approached me as I waited and asked me if I knew if we needed out spring schedules to get our spring semester IDs...I laughed on the inside, but before I could even say anything, the ID person told her, "he'd be with her in a minute, he had to help the professor first." It was surreal.

And yes, the ID picture is awful. I look like a warn out man.

But it's mine and my class starts next week. New nervousness.

And also? My bathroom is done. Thanks to plumbing help from my dad and an entire Saturday that I lost to cutting the tiles for it:

My Life is Changing...As I Write It

When I think about how much my life has changed since I started this blog it really blows my mind.

But when I realize how so much of my life came together over the past two years, I am even more blown away. And for the first time in a long time, I can see why I had to go through and do certain things because each step lead me to another and then another, before I was in the place that I was always supposed to be in.

Now, here I am, nearly 30 years old, teaching, writing, finishing a PhD, putting together my first house and talking, seriously, about getting engaged to my boyfriend of the past two years.

And even more on the surprising side of my life, I have been researching what it takes to become a foster parent in the state of NJ. I teach in an urban, high poverty middle school. By the time I get these kids, it's already too late for some of them. And that's too many kids. Your teenage years should be about drama, and friends and dreaming about how fabulous your life is going to be once you graduate high school. It shouldn't be about worrying about going home because someone is going to be drunk and abusive, or fearful because that walk home isn't the safest, or worrying about once you get home how hungry you're going to be because you only get to eat when you're in school and getting free breakfast and lunch.

And kids should angst, they should angst over it all. But they shouldn't be so angry that they want to shut out the world. Shut out themselves and just stop where they are at the age of 13.

So, while I know my home would not be a good fit for an older child who has seen all of this and is going through it, I do know that we could be a home for a younger child who needs to be shown what love and stability is.

I see Phil with our dog, I mean it's ridiculous. She sleeps in our room because the cats like to have free roam at night. I tell her to go to her bed and she does. She will never try to sneak in next to me unless I call her. However, Phil spends many sleepless nights with her, sneaking onto his side of the bed, having to be next to him. Then last night, I was half asleep in bed and the dog was on her's. I hear Phil get up and go over to her. He gets her off her bed, and starts fluffing it for her and talking to her like a baby as he rearranges it all for her and then lets her go back on it. He tells her, that she has to be comfortable.

That's when I fall in love with him even more and once again I'm reminded of the kind of dad that he's going to be.

It set me up for a really nice day today, even if my students are insane because Christmas break is only 12 days away....

The Traveling Teacher

The weekend was a crazy new experience for myself. It took me to Atlanta where I got to spend 3 days writing and re-writing to get my topic for my dissertation approved.

At the end of it, you needed a 70 to pass or to be marked as "on tack and prepared to move forward." If you received an 80 or above, it was a huge compliment and meant you were so on track that you were to the point where they would want you to be if you were submitting your entire dissertation.

I finished with an 82. I was really proud of myself.

My dissertation in it's current form studies the relationship between completing a continues and complete visual arts curriculum and literacy.

Studies and my research show that kids that have visual arts are capable of more including being a literate reader as well as being able to answer and support higher-order thinking questions.

I'm very passionate about this because English literature and art are so intertwined and so often, that's forgotten. In many ways my own kids are an example of the place of art and creativity in a language arts classroom because they do well on tests.

In many ways I am an example of how a fluid education between both curriculum creates highly-able students. I would not be as good of a teacher as I am if I did not have my art background as well as the cultural background I have from my art degree. It exposed me to a million different things and in many ways because of those experiences have made me think differently and thus, teach differently.

As great as the weekend was, it has left me so incredibly tired. I am fighting hard to get through today and tomorrow before we're off for teacher's convention.It was also really cool to stay in the hotel that The Hunger Games movie used for scenes of The Capital. It was also nice to have someone clean my room everyday and fall asleep all by myself in a huge king bed. I did miss Phil and the animals though, it was even nicer getting to come home to all of them.

My next adventure will take me to Chicago, which is so exciting...I have never been, but I have always wanted to go.

I'm Tired Today, but Thankful

It's Friday. And the kids are crazy. The exhaustion is finally starting to set in. I spend much of September running myself ragged trying to get my classroom together and my kids in line. It's usually around this point every year that routines get established and then I realized just how tired I am.

I don't think going on for my PhD this year is helping at all, either. I've begun my dissertation and have settled on sticking to my desire to research the need for creativity in urban education as opposed to the RTI, climate and culture and all that other hot words that my adviser is trying to push all of us towards. I would be so bored writing about any of that because I feel as a teacher in an urban school, that's all I ever do.

August 2014: Somewhere in Europe, clearly tired yet goofy.

I'm attending my first residency at the end of the month which is really exciting. This also mean Phil will have to take care of our dog and cats for four days. This is also  the first time in the two years that we've been together that I'll be away for that long. Phil told me he'll be sure to throw a house party. I imagine a more realistic night of him playing video games until the sun comes out.

It's funny when I realize how much my life has changed over the past three years. I no longer stress out about crappy dates with crappy guys. I own my own house and no longer have to feel trapped in the attic. And, I'm pursuing my dreams while getting to travel while getting to share this with a man that I was always supposed to be with.

I'm just feeling pretty tired, but overall, pretty thankful today too.

Moving Forward

I started this blog years ago and at first it started as a photo project that didn't really work and then it became my own where I wrote about my first real "adult" heartbreak and moving on from it. Then, after dating all kinds of idiots, I wrote about finally finding a non-idiot who really was the biggest idiot of them all.

And then, I sort of just stopped writing.

I got busy with other things-- with teaching and traveling, mainly backpacking through Europe (with the man I eventually met), and finding myself in a good, loving relationship and then before I knew it, with moving out completely on my own with no room mates or college lifestyle to fall back on.

And then, I finished my masters and begun the steps towards a PhD.

....And then, I bought a house.

However, most importantly, I think I'm finally learning the importance of just breathing and enjoying something. I've worked really hard to get to this point and I have done it on my own and unlike some women my age, I have done this without the help of a husband or live-in boyfriend.

I've gotten to the point of having what I wanted and I sort of noticed the enormity of that feeling as I was packing up my kitchen for the move to my house. I took off all of the magnets that Phil and I collected throughout Europe, along with the ones I picked up on my own travels including a couple magnets I bought on a class trip with my 8th graders last year and one I got at the local museum in the city that I teach in.

I was a little sad as I looked them over before I packed them and realized how exciting each of those moments were that inspired a magnet purchase and now they're all over. And at times, I don't know if I fully appreciated them as I lived them or maybe that's just because I'm looking back now.

It sort of made me realize now that as this year winds down, there are things that I want to do next year to make me enjoy everything that I have now more. I want to blog more and read for fun more. I know that my PhD classes are going to take up most of my time, but I would like to make time for things I like do like blogging and reading. I really would like to finally finish the book I started for my thesis or the second year of Miss Burton's Class. It's just hard and for the first time in many years, I have found manuscript writing to be beyond difficult. Maybe that can be next year's plan or something soon....

Who knows.

Thoughts on Teaching and Life

About midway through last week, I had started to have difficulty closing my mouth. My jaw hurt to move and it made eating difficult. I thought I pulled a muscle. Fast forward a week, and after I left work, I sat down and felt overwhelmingly dizzy and fuzzy, followed by a high grade fever and a burning sensation when I breathed. After a visit to the doctor’s, it turned out that I had such an advanced sinus infection that it went into my jaw and my ears. I pretty much had a face infection which is probably from a URI I powered through the last couple of weeks which I probably got from being sick all the way back over the summer while backpacking and never taking the time to take care of myself and trusting the advice of an Austrian doctor that seemed more impressed with my German last name than with really helping me. Seriously, what is it about Austrians/Germans being so in-awe of Americans with German ancestry that come back? I’ve experienced that several times in my travels and always at the strangest of moments.
 
I’m taking horse pills for antibiotics that are killing my stomach and caused me to cough and vomit at the same time today, nearly coating my trusting feline companion that has been within inches of me since I came home from the doctor’s yesterday. It was the weirdest sensation of my life wherein I stood and just looked at the mess in disbelief as in; did that really just happen to me?
 
I know I’m not the only one that has had a really stressful and difficult year. I’m not even complaining, because within all of it, I’ve had a lot of good too. I guess in this ridiculously long blog, I’m just realizing how important it is to take care of you and not focus on everyone else all the time. It’s a hard lesson to learn, especially as a teacher where we’re pretty much paid to do nothing but take care of everyone else and worry about every little detail. 
 
Or maybe I’m just loopy on decongestants and antibiotics. Kudos if you actually read this mini novel.

Well...Hello There 2014!

I have gotten so busy that I rarely write anymore unless it's for my masters.

Which is already more than half over already?

Much like the school year is half over and I am now working towards wrapping up my first full year of teaching middle school English.

While I'm dating this wonderful guy who does really sweet things for me like keeping a blanket in his car for me so when I get into it and it's cold, he tucks me into the my seat :).

And I'm going back to Europe this summer?

Backpacking throughout Europe most likely with aforementioned sweet guy that I'm dating?

And it all just sort of feels good and exciting and happy...

This is my years of nevers. I always said I would never teach in an urban school and I would never teach middle school again. I am doing both and I absolutely love it. I also said I would never meet anyone at work...and I did...thank God I am officially done with online dating. And I also felt like I was never going to get to go back to Europe, but I'm getting that too.

And after last year, I am just *so thankful* for all of this. It feels so good to be happy and peaceful again. 

The Summer of My 27th Year...

Began with me being in such a depression. I could not get out of it. I cried so much. I was so unhappy and so hurt and just reeling from everything that happened this past year-- the job that was a dud, the "boyfriend" that was a dud, my finances that were better but still a dud, my job search that I thought was a dud...etc.

But then camp started and I got to see all my little beans that are not so little anymore. Not like I expected them to be, it had been three years since I had been their teacher, but they were still there, being them. There's something about hanging with kids and making art that has its healing factors. I was beginning to feel built back up a little.

Then in July, I was offered a teaching position in Oklahoma City. And I was ready to accept it. I thought THIS WAS IT. This was my way out and I would get to teach 5th grade and how amazing is that and off I was into the possibilities of a completely new life half way across the country. Until reality hit that they were offering me, are you ready? A salary that was 15 grand less than what NJ gives young teachers. And yes, you will say well, cost of living is so much cheaper! It's not. A one bedroom apartment in a safe area of the city was still anywhere between 600-800 a month. That's half of your month's take home pay. No wonder OKC is so eager to hire out of state teachers, who would want to work for that sort of money? In a very messy district that is nationally known for its problems they are trying to work through. It was just not the place I wanted to park myself for a year or more.

So I turned it down and waited. I was then interviewed by Colorado and Arizona and Utah before finally getting three different interviews in South Jersey. The third interview was IT though and yes, I am so proud and happy to say that I was offered a language arts position for middle school in South Jersey and I took it.

I have since spent the last two weeks absolutely beaming, buying a whole new wardrobe and throwing out my French classroom for my brand spanking new Language Arts and Literacy classroom. It's been so much fun. I really can't wait to start next week. PUMPED! And my school is super cute too. It's an older school building and it looks like the building from Boy Meets World. Maybe Mr. Feeney will be there! Hah.

My next adventure will be saving money and buying my little condo down the shore that I have always wanted. It'll be awhile, but at least I'm on that path.

And as for boys? Well, I have been dating again since May, but nothing that really stuck into something that could have been more. I think I've also gotten even pickier than I was pre-bandboy which I never thought could happen, but it did. I also made a bet with my friend that for a year, I wouldn't date a musician (or wannabe musician) and would try other types of men and I have! In that experiment I have found how completely turned off I am by musicians now. Probably a good thing.

But, I'm sure the boy will be the next thing to happen too. Well, man I should say. I need a man, not a boy if I'm going to partner up with someone in life.

Here it is, my life and it's pretty awesome. I'm also in love with my new graduate program. I'm in the middle of finishing up my first semester this week. And I've since started working on the next book in the Miss Burton's series. So, I'm honestly just happy and busy and totally enjoying seeing some of my hard work finally pay off.

Miss Burton's Class: The First Book!!

MY BOOK is out and available for purchase! You can buy my first book HERE.

I already have my copy:

I am so excited!!

Adventures in Teaching: Hello Fourth Year!

It's my fourth year doing an art program for summer camp and my first time being a site director. Lots of responsibility, but I am loving it! My first project was to make small groups of children decorate their own fish and then I painted their hands and their hands are supposed to make the scales, but kids get creative and I kind of let them just go with it. My first bulletin board looks amazing though :0).

The Day That Was

Ever had one of those? I had the one to end all of them today. There was a bomb scare in town today. It was scary. It was close to where I work. It was like my worst fears coming true and after the week we all had with Boston and really the year, including Sandy Hook, it's an absolutely terrifying world sometimes. I don't want to get up one morning and die at my job, I think that's become one of my bigger fears after the year that we have all lived through. It's been a lot.

So there was that.

And then as I get to lunch, I just want to sit on my phone and eat my food. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm tired, I'm grumpy and really, what a morning that was. But, people love to talk to me. Broken people gravitate to me like I am the mothership of all that is broken and lost in the world. It can be human and it is even animals too.

I once had a guy that I dated tell me that it is because it is very calm and peaceful to be around me. Being around me is comforting. I guess, I mean that guy turned out to be a total looney tune so I guess he would be able to tell me why I am the epicenter of the lost, the broken, the crazy, the damaged and even those that are just different.

Today wasn't anything new. I'm sitting at lunch and sure enough this elderly woman moves to sit across from me. Within a minute, not even, we go from talking about life abroad to how she moved with her husband to Sweden and for 27 years loved him, raised his children and lived there with him, teaching. That is until one day he decided that he didn't love her...after 27 years...and goes off with the woman he decides he does love. And she's just too broken to watch him be with her so she leaves. She leaves the life she built, her children and even her grandchildren and comes home to substitute teach because no on wants to hire her here because she's too old and has too much experience that no one wants to pay for.

She made me glad that I have pretty much decided that I am just one of those people that don't have someone out there in the world. I'm one of those alone people and that's both relieving and even enlightening when I hear stuff like this. Craziness.

And as if that wasn't enough, there was a kid in my class today that is somewhere on the autism spectrum. I felt probably Aspergers. We were BFFing over the past couple of days and he would always ask me for help so I would help him.

Today he realizes that it's take your child to work day tomorrow and thus this conversation follows:

Child: "Tomorrow is take your child to work day and if you're still our teacher then that means you'll bring your kid! And we can meet them!"
Me: "Oh. It is isn't it? Well that's sweet, but I don't have any children."
Child: "Well, I hope that time comes for you soon."

Ma, have you been talking to my students?

Creating Beauty

I guess when things fall apart you sort of get two options - let it destroy you or take it as a means to start something new. Since it all changed, I've been focusing on the starting something new. I've been working on and finishing most of the projects I have started and had yet to start since I now seem to have all of this free time on my hands.

This weekend was really laid back compared to my non-stop weekend last week. I read about half of Lisa Genova's Left Neglected for my book club and I started to knit a Ravenclaw scarf that I have wanted to make since forever, but never really got around to making. Next fall, hopefully when I have my English teaching job, I will totally be rocking my Harry Potter scarf to class.

I had also bought a new bed several months ago, but it's black and the furniture I inherited from my great aunt is not. And so I started messing with some of it, like the rocking chair that got ruined over the years and an old chair that I think I actually got from a garage sale:

The rocking chair was harder. I added the decal you see on the top which meant that I also had to gloss part of the chair and make it match the rest of the chair. It looks great though, I even antiqued it a little bit.

I spent yesterday gardening. I planted over 50 lilies in the front garden. They are my absolute favorite and I tried to include every kind that they had at the garden center. It's going to be beautiful when they bloom. I also added wild flowers in between them. It's going to be a sight!

Today I tried to re-teach myself self portraiture. I was never very good at it and since I haven't really kept up with drawing, I think it's going to take a lot of practice to get it right:

And then I watched endless amounts of LOST. About half way through my marathon I decided that if I was a character that I would be John Locke because he's the realist who always tries to see why people do and say what they do. He also always seems to pick the wrong person to love, with any kind of love, not just romantic usually because he always tries to see the good in people. It sort of sets him up for failure and to get burned...story of my life. 

Then, just like that the weekend is over and I'm back to work tomorrow, doing both jobs. I just have to keep believing that this upcoming year is going to be MY YEAR in every sense of the word....

I love LOST for all of the different side stories and how they all come together, even before the crash. And I absolutely love the love story of Bernard and Rose:

Life changes while you're busy making other plans...

Things happen to you in life and sometimes those things are absolutely amazing and sometimes they are the most rotten, horrible things that come your way. It can be hard, but if you're lucky you're strong enough to get through those bad things and if you're really, really lucky? Then you have friends and family that love you and are there for you when you need them.

And eventually, you overcome that bad thing that happened and you arrive on the other side of it. It's unexpected and you are shocked when you do, but you get there and it's good.

I arrived on the other side probably sometime this weekend. My friend Laura had randomly texted me Friday afternoon if I was interested in seeing Rocky Horror and if I'd want to get dinner at Old Bay in New Brunswick.

Heck yes!

Old Bay was just like I remembered it: dark, overpriced and eh, but the company was good and we laughed about old 80's commercials and TV shows over dinner. I had a drink which was called swamp water. It tasted like lime, but it was so green that it reminded me of that ecto-cooler HI-C juice boxes that we used to have growing up:

And then we headed over to The Den to catch some Rocky Horror! I didn't know much about it, had never saw it and all I did know about it was that Tim Curry played the lead in the movie version. Apparently, if you are attending your very first show, you get marked with lipstick - "V for Virgin" and they find some way to embarrass you during the show.

I got V'd and then I was embarrassed and the show was great. Midway through I realized that someone I was once good friends with was there, but because of differences of opinions we hadn't spoken for many months. Rocky Horror though fixed a friendship and thus, all was forgiven. Funny how life simple does that for you eventually.

Saturday brought book club where we got lunch at the Loving Hut in Matawan. I was a bit leery of an all vegan place, but it was really good! I got vegan won-ton soup and it was amazing. The won-tons were stuffed with mushrooms:

At book club we discussed that awful Julie Klausner book. We were all in agreement that after the introduction, it just went down hill fast and by the end of it you just wound up hating her for being dumb and gross for 100-something pages.

Afterbook club and vegans goodies, came my friend Keriann's last night out. She's moving to Colorado for work and for love, so it's not terrible, but I'm going to miss her. We grew up together and had only recently rekindled a friendship. I wish we had more time before she leaves, but she has an adventure to get to, so safe travels and good luck to her! Copious amounts of pictures were taken and there was much fist-pumping to be had:

Sunday should have brought more New Brunswick and a fundraiser, but I was so exhausted from the night before that I opted to stay home. At nearly 27 years old, my body declared that it is too old to be out until 2am after being out until 1am the night before. I was absolutely beat and wound up napping midday. I did finish the softest baby blanket in the world for a non-existent baby though. The yarn had been on sale and it was just so soft that I had to buy it and thus make it:

And! If all of this wasn't enough. I was notified today that I was officially registered and enrolled in a graduate writing program that I had literally applied to on a whim several months ago. I never thought I'd actually get it, but thank you, Miss Burton's Class because it is you that I submitted and it is you that they liked enough to admit me.

I start June 17th.

I'm amazed with how much my life has fallen apart, changed and slowly has begun to come back together.