Book Review: Harvesting the Heart by Jodi Picoult

I have never read a Jodi Picoult book before. I saw My Sister's Keeper in theaters shortly after losing my Big sister to cancer in college. It destroyed me, so I pretty much never wanted to deal with anything Picoult ever again.Then, I had a lot of them donated to my classroom and since I like to read books before I give them out so I can talk to kids about them, I picked up Harvesting the Heart for fun over spring break.

This was Picoult's second novel and it told the story of a creative young woman who falls into love at an early age and finds herself a reluctant mother. Overall, it's very much a coming of age story, but it also delves into women's issues like abortion and young motherhood. I liked how the story flipped between Paige's and Nicholas's perspectives to show the all-around version of the same story.

It was a relatively quick read that I finished it in two days while I was on vacation. I appreciated it for encompassing so much in only 460 pages. From Paige's turmoil in her first love relationship, her subsequent abortion and the story of unyielding love she found with her heart surgeon husband and their son. You saw this character grow up as the novel progressed and in it heal not only herself, her relationship with her mother, but also her father and her parent's own relationship with each other.

The novel was written in 1993, so it was also nice to read a more modern book without all of the complications of cell phones and facebook.

Final score: 4/5 stars
Book Information: Harvesting the Heart by Jodi Picoult with ISBN 0140230270 was originally published by Penguin Books on April 1, 1995.

Here's Why I Don't Care About Caitlyn Jenner

When Caitlyn Jenner announced herself to the world, I thought it was great. Here was a fellow human being on this planet that was vastly unhappy and uncomfortable with himself and so he found courage within him to go through a lengthy and painful process to become the image that he wanted: Caitlyn. I thought it was also great that we have reached the point where a transgender woman was on the cover of Vanity Fair...though i do think Laverne Cox did it way better on the cover of TIME last year.

However, as the weeks went on and all we saw was Caitlyn and her overtly over done in the only way that someone tied to the Kardashians could do, it became a bit ill to watch. I often wonder how much of a pawn she has become in the Kardashian fame game and I wonder how okay Caitlyn herself is with all the fanfare.

TIME cover (google images)

It also got me to think about how ugly people became over her transformation and towards one another. I think there's two sides to our society, the overly conservative and the overly liberal. Neither side is respectful towards the other and each always wants to change the other's viewpoint....but the thing is? That's never going to happen.

A conservative, religious person is never going to accept Caitlyn Jenner, same-sex marriage, legalized pot, etc. And the thing that everyone forgets is, that's okay. That is how that person feels and what they believe, so what right does anyone have to tell them they are wrong, stupid, misinformed, etc.? That's how they feel, but feelings aren't fact. And as long as that person isn't being a biggot and a jerk towards a lifestyle that they don't condone, then who cares? Let them live their life as you live your's....your life with your own thoughts and feelings. And for those who are overtly religious, I think you need to remember that all God ever asked us to do, was to love one another and let him do the judging-- it's not our place or our burdon....let it go.

It's also totally okay that a nonreligious liberal will fight for and compliment Caitlyn Jenner, same-sex marriage, legalized pot, etc. And as long as they also honor other people's thoughts and feelings that might not align with their own, might even straight up conflict with what they believe, then their viewpoint is okay too. What's difficult about being overly liberal is that when you are,you become so quick to stamp on and demean someone who is religious and/or conservative, label them as simple and well religious so what do they know? Some of the most educated and even minded people I know are extremely religious and I might not always agree with them, but I do respect their thoughts and feelings and would never get on the bandwagon where I would attempt to take away their thoughts and feelings because it didn't mesh with what mine were. If you're going to fight for all of the hot topics in the news, you can't trample theirs in the process or you're just turning around and doing the same thing to them that you are upset that they did to you. Seems counterproductive.

I believe it was Voltaire who famously said, "I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it." We, as a society, need to get to a point where we can coexist and support one another. We need to stop labeling everyone and everything, but instead just accept the fact that we are all different, fighting our own battles and living our own paths.

And that's okay.

Maybe we should start focusing viewing each other as allies, as a means for support as we live and grow into who we are supposed to be-- whatever the image, beliefs or lifestyles we choose are.

Gay, straight, bi, transgender, pan-sexual, poly-amorous, a-sexual...in the end it really doesn't matter because in the end? Even kings are made of clay.

Moving Forward

I started this blog years ago and at first it started as a photo project that didn't really work and then it became my own where I wrote about my first real "adult" heartbreak and moving on from it. Then, after dating all kinds of idiots, I wrote about finally finding a non-idiot who really was the biggest idiot of them all.

And then, I sort of just stopped writing.

I got busy with other things-- with teaching and traveling, mainly backpacking through Europe (with the man I eventually met), and finding myself in a good, loving relationship and then before I knew it, with moving out completely on my own with no room mates or college lifestyle to fall back on.

And then, I finished my masters and begun the steps towards a PhD.

....And then, I bought a house.

However, most importantly, I think I'm finally learning the importance of just breathing and enjoying something. I've worked really hard to get to this point and I have done it on my own and unlike some women my age, I have done this without the help of a husband or live-in boyfriend.

I've gotten to the point of having what I wanted and I sort of noticed the enormity of that feeling as I was packing up my kitchen for the move to my house. I took off all of the magnets that Phil and I collected throughout Europe, along with the ones I picked up on my own travels including a couple magnets I bought on a class trip with my 8th graders last year and one I got at the local museum in the city that I teach in.

I was a little sad as I looked them over before I packed them and realized how exciting each of those moments were that inspired a magnet purchase and now they're all over. And at times, I don't know if I fully appreciated them as I lived them or maybe that's just because I'm looking back now.

It sort of made me realize now that as this year winds down, there are things that I want to do next year to make me enjoy everything that I have now more. I want to blog more and read for fun more. I know that my PhD classes are going to take up most of my time, but I would like to make time for things I like do like blogging and reading. I really would like to finally finish the book I started for my thesis or the second year of Miss Burton's Class. It's just hard and for the first time in many years, I have found manuscript writing to be beyond difficult. Maybe that can be next year's plan or something soon....

Who knows.

Well...Hello There 2014!

I have gotten so busy that I rarely write anymore unless it's for my masters.

Which is already more than half over already?

Much like the school year is half over and I am now working towards wrapping up my first full year of teaching middle school English.

While I'm dating this wonderful guy who does really sweet things for me like keeping a blanket in his car for me so when I get into it and it's cold, he tucks me into the my seat :).

And I'm going back to Europe this summer?

Backpacking throughout Europe most likely with aforementioned sweet guy that I'm dating?

And it all just sort of feels good and exciting and happy...

This is my years of nevers. I always said I would never teach in an urban school and I would never teach middle school again. I am doing both and I absolutely love it. I also said I would never meet anyone at work...and I did...thank God I am officially done with online dating. And I also felt like I was never going to get to go back to Europe, but I'm getting that too.

And after last year, I am just *so thankful* for all of this. It feels so good to be happy and peaceful again. 

Adventures in Writing: When Miss Burton Got Her Spotlight

Miss Burton got a lot of attention this summer that I was not expecting whatsoever. It was really cool and surprising-- a lot of feelings wrapped up into one. You know?

I think this biggest was when the Home News interviewed me for this story. And sent a photographer to my home to take pictures of me. He arrived 10 minutes after I had gotten home from sweating in camp all day and had literally just changed. I thought the photograph was going to be horrendous.

I was surprised.

(c) Home News Tribune, Jason Towlen/Staff Photographer

Not my best, but still not my worst. Whew! The article is really good too. She really detailed my accomplishments thus far. You can read it HERE!

The Summer of My 27th Year...

Began with me being in such a depression. I could not get out of it. I cried so much. I was so unhappy and so hurt and just reeling from everything that happened this past year-- the job that was a dud, the "boyfriend" that was a dud, my finances that were better but still a dud, my job search that I thought was a dud...etc.

But then camp started and I got to see all my little beans that are not so little anymore. Not like I expected them to be, it had been three years since I had been their teacher, but they were still there, being them. There's something about hanging with kids and making art that has its healing factors. I was beginning to feel built back up a little.

Then in July, I was offered a teaching position in Oklahoma City. And I was ready to accept it. I thought THIS WAS IT. This was my way out and I would get to teach 5th grade and how amazing is that and off I was into the possibilities of a completely new life half way across the country. Until reality hit that they were offering me, are you ready? A salary that was 15 grand less than what NJ gives young teachers. And yes, you will say well, cost of living is so much cheaper! It's not. A one bedroom apartment in a safe area of the city was still anywhere between 600-800 a month. That's half of your month's take home pay. No wonder OKC is so eager to hire out of state teachers, who would want to work for that sort of money? In a very messy district that is nationally known for its problems they are trying to work through. It was just not the place I wanted to park myself for a year or more.

So I turned it down and waited. I was then interviewed by Colorado and Arizona and Utah before finally getting three different interviews in South Jersey. The third interview was IT though and yes, I am so proud and happy to say that I was offered a language arts position for middle school in South Jersey and I took it.

I have since spent the last two weeks absolutely beaming, buying a whole new wardrobe and throwing out my French classroom for my brand spanking new Language Arts and Literacy classroom. It's been so much fun. I really can't wait to start next week. PUMPED! And my school is super cute too. It's an older school building and it looks like the building from Boy Meets World. Maybe Mr. Feeney will be there! Hah.

My next adventure will be saving money and buying my little condo down the shore that I have always wanted. It'll be awhile, but at least I'm on that path.

And as for boys? Well, I have been dating again since May, but nothing that really stuck into something that could have been more. I think I've also gotten even pickier than I was pre-bandboy which I never thought could happen, but it did. I also made a bet with my friend that for a year, I wouldn't date a musician (or wannabe musician) and would try other types of men and I have! In that experiment I have found how completely turned off I am by musicians now. Probably a good thing.

But, I'm sure the boy will be the next thing to happen too. Well, man I should say. I need a man, not a boy if I'm going to partner up with someone in life.

Here it is, my life and it's pretty awesome. I'm also in love with my new graduate program. I'm in the middle of finishing up my first semester this week. And I've since started working on the next book in the Miss Burton's series. So, I'm honestly just happy and busy and totally enjoying seeing some of my hard work finally pay off.

Grief, Not Guilt by Jeanann Verlee

I wish you a tongue scalded by tea.
A hangover. Burnt toast. Stubbed toes. A lost job.
I wish you weeping in the shower. Salt in the sugar bowl.
A wishlist of sorrows. Grief, not guilt.
"Hole in your favorite coat. Stain on the good suit.
Arthritis for your joints. A broken guitar string at every show.
I wish each breath a little harder. Each workday
an hour longer. I wish your heart a thousand breaks.
All your sports teams, bottom rank. I wish your friends
go quiet. The leaves brown above your head.
A thunderstorm every morning. Nothing but pearls
when you shop for her diamond. I wish you bad knees,
a sore back. Empty sheets. A ghost to haunt your house.
A tub brimming with mud. Closet stuffed with too-small shoes.
Flat beer. Sour milk. Weak coffee. I wish you
flat tires, soggy pasta, a tax audit to fail.
Bent forks, dull knives. A hangnail for every finger.
I wish you a room wallpapered with my photographs.
A chamber filled with empty bassinets."

Pretty much, pretty much. 

Adventures on the East Coast: July Birthdays

July is all but over.  My little brother somehow turned 23 last week. I am almost done with my summer classes. I am totally looking forward to never having to take linguistics again. Camp is almost over and before I know it, it will be August and I will be the one turning 27.

This weekend it was my friend Laura's turn! Her birthday was golden because she turned 27 on the 27th. And we had a lot of fun. I can't believe how tan and blonde I am in all of these pictures that I jacked from her blog.

End of the night masquerade. 

Let's talk zombie novels. 

Don't know what I was talking about but I seem into it.

Sometimes you have to be THAT friend.

Sometimes, you find yourself back at the beginning

And sometimes you start laughing while someone is taking your photo.

I can't lie and say that the last year of my life was all that wonderful. It had it's good points, but it had a lot of ups and downs. As the summer started I felt like I was in such a depression over everything, but as the summer has gone on I feel as though I came back to myself. And that, I am now surrounded by people who are good, positive and loving. And most importantly, people that love me and care about me.

I couldn't say that a year ago. I was not happy with who I was or who I had around me, but now I feel like I am in an entirely new chapter of my life and I am excited to see what it brings.

Here's to my LATE twenties (when did that happen???). 

The Search for Mr. Fabulous: Olivia Pope Says It Best

"I am not a toy that you can play with when you're bored or lonely or horny. I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, earn me! Until then, we are done."

- Olivia Pope, Scandal

The Search for Mr. Fabulous: Five Mistakes Guys Make in Online Dating

Okay, none of us are champions in dating because really if we were, we wouldn't be on these sites because we would have found our partner and are too busy living happily ever after to be surfing the depths of online dating.

Google Images

I've done online dating in a plethora of ways for the past three years on and off. I have met the good, the bad, the crazy and the certifiable, but I also did meet a few nice guys too that it just wasn't right for either of us.

And in that time, I have seen guys make a lot of stupid mistakes that just kill their chances of ever meeting someone on there for anything meaningful. Or even just for a first date. So here you are, a view into the mind of a woman. Here it is guys, the keys to the kingdom or better known a the five big no-no's of online dating:

5.) "I'm a musician!" - Okay, there are some people out there that can make a comfortable living with their music, art and writing, however, for the most part, this is not true. And it kills me when you start talking to a guy and you ask them what they do and they go, "Well, I was in a band, I'm a musician!" That's not a job nor is it a career. It's a hobby, one that you don't even seem to be doing anymore to even make it into a job or career one day. Admit that you're working retail and have no clue about your life plan yet, it's okay.

4.) The "look at me I'm holding a baby!" picture - First off, I'm going to think the kid is yours. And if I'm not that taken by you on first glance, chances are I'm not going to keep reading to find out the relation of that child to you. And then if I did keep reading, and it's like your niece, nephew, randomly borrowed friend's child, I'm just going to think it's weird. You think that picture is screaming "look at me, I am so awesome that I love kids," but in reality it's just weird. A borrowed kid means you eventually give it back and it doesn't show any time or commitment to anything on your part. Congratulations, you can hold a baby...I am unimpressed.

3.) The "look at my hot bod" pictures - It just shows how into yourself you are and how uninterested I am. It also screams that you're looking for booty and not for anything beyond that. Those pictures just scream jerk and send many running in the opposite direction. Generally, if you make a profile all about you to the point where you come off as self-absorbed, it's a no-go for most women.

2.) Toys. Pictures of toys, pictures with toys and talk of toys - I'm a nerd, I get it. I have a Jane Austen action figure that's still in the wrapping. That's probably the nerdiest thing I will ever cop to, but I have it, it exists. I get the nerd factor. However, I do not post that anywhere on an online dating site and she lives in a box in my closet. So, to post that stuff in any of the above mentioned ways sends one clear message: man-child! And nobody wants to hookup with, date or even attempt to get serious about a man-child because in reality we just wind up being a mom and who wants to mother a full-grown man? No one. Ditch the toys.

1.) I'm just going to not put anything out there, ever - I am always leery of profiles that are not filled out or have obscure pictures where you can't see anything or are like of a shoe. I mean what's the point?  And what are you hiding? Why are you on an online dating site, regularly signing in if you're not looking for something? And if you are looking for something why not put effort into it? The only message you're sending me is that you aren't serious, you're not one for effort and if it's not that then you're probably married or in a relationship and that's why you're hiding because you don't want your significant other to find out about your extra curriculars. Same goes with guys that just fill everything out with "I'm a private person, so just ask!" No, I don't want to ask. Tell me. 

The Search for Mr. Fabulous: What I Don't Get About Guys

And probably never will, but it just gets me.

I had a friend that has her own band boy. When she talks about it I just go UGH can't they both just become BFF, form a jerk club and run off into the sunset together? All the while vowing to never again try to date another girl because they're just going to do the same to her.

It won't happen, but one can dream.

So, the thing that gets me and I will never understand? Ok. Ready? Ready.

I will never understand the kind of guys that play a big game. I mean the type that say that they want a relationship with you, tell you that they love you and that they want to have a life with you, but then one day, usually very soon after they profess all that go, oh wait, never mind, he no longer has those feelings, but I still want to talk to you everyday and be your BFF because I do love you.

Wait. What?

I've had it happen to me twice. The first was Matt, my first real "adult" relationship after college. He literally called me up one day after our first strained part of our relationship and goes, "I thought I love you, but I don't. It stopped growing."

My response? "Well, then this is done." Followed by a long bloated silence. To which I finally say, "hello?"

"I can't believe you just said that to me," he responds.

Er. Didn't you just after a year of dating me  and talks of me moving and taking a new job and you wanting to live together CALL ME to tell me that you didn't love me? "What do you expect? I'm done with this game."

"Well can't we still be friends?! I want to talk to you! I have to talk to you!"

"No." Click.

And I hang up. And I mourn for a long time because he was the first person that really broke my heart and my trust in people. I didn't talk to him for three years and even then that "friendship" lasted a summer, if that because he couldn't take responsibility for what he had done. He admitted it was a screwed up thing, but never said it was him or his fault or that he shouldn't have played the love game if that wasn't what he felt. He had started all of that talk, not me and I felt like if you don't feel that way then don't say it because it builds up the other person, it helps build up their feelings and their hopes and its just cruel because eventually you're going to leave them, so why make them think that they are loved and that you won't?

Four years later, band boy enters my life and we share a lot. Like pretty much every dirty detail of, everything. I open up about this whole thing that happened with Matt. And he tells me how cruel that is and how it was done to him too.

And a year later? Turns around and does the same exact thing. In a text message. And then wants to be friends and BFF and text me all day long and call me as if everything that happened didn't and like it was all okay. Like he did nothing wrong.

Gets me because guys like that really think they did nothing wrong and in turn try to manipulate me into feeling bad because to them *I'M* the one making them the "bad guy," but the reality is they are the bad guy. They were selfish, careless and totally disregarded how their actions were going to make you feel. And just thought that it was all okay because in the end they didn't get hurt and could walk away without a thought in the world. That "we just dated and it didn't work." Really, dude?

I can be friends with people I have "just dated" and even ones I had relationships with that didn't work out. My high school sweetheart and I would have been together 10 years yesterday. We reminded each other of it like we always do, talked and wished each other well deciding that since I was spending it doing work for my masters and he was going to a music fest that it was pretty much on point of how it should be.

That's one thing I admire about my relationship with him. Neither one of us ever took our love away or demeaned the other's feelings or thoughts or the promises we made, but after years of trying, realized it just wasn't it for either of us and found a lifelong friendship instead.

Because when you truly do love someone, it doesn't go away, but sometimes it just evolves into something else all together. But to demean someone, their value or their feelings or to lie to them and play them and then act like its no biggie is just so...you know what? It's so Don Draper.

And really, who wants to be in love with friends with Don Draper?

The Search for Mr. Fabulous: Gifts from the Universe

When you're out there looking to meet the right guy you have to date your way through all of the sludgey toads that cross your path. So, that when you do meet the one, the only Mr. Fabulous, you not only know beyond a shadow of a doubt, but you also appreciate him for all of the wonderful things he does for you that the icky toads never did.

And in the interim, there are guys that the universe gives you as little gifts along the way. They can be the guy that on your worst day just stopped and held the door open for you, or the guy that complimented you when you least expected or if you're really lucky the guy that just takes you out. These little gifts sort of help to restore your faith that he is in fact out there and that no matter how crappy you may feel or even how lonely and frustrated you become, that Mr. Fabulous is out there, waiting to treat you all the time like these little gifts do and that he too is looking for you just like you are looking for him.

I entered the land of dating again last week. I sort of loathed the entire idea. I absolutely hated it to be honest. I mean how many dates and relationships can you go through? That end bad? That hurt you? Like when do you just say enough? I was to that point, but my best friend from college wasn't going to let that happen so she created an online dating profile for me.

Which lasted until last night, but that's a different story. Today's story is about a gift from the universe in the form of a guy. He was older. He was very educated, travelled and cultured. He was on my level which after dating a kid for the past year, it just felt really nice to be out on a date with a grown up. He took me to a crazy expensive restaurant and I ate amazing seafood. The date was awkward and it was clear we both were not meeting Mr. and Miss Fabulous that night, but it was nice to talk to someone who was interested enough in me to take me out and ask me questions about travel and about my life.

And it was even cute for the week that we were talking and he would text me each morning in Italian and I would answer him in French. I know, totally gag worthy, but after this last relationship go-round, I really just needed that awfully cute yet clearly over-educated stuff. I craved it, someone showing an effort just for me.

In the end, it was okay when we both stopped texting. It was never going to be a great romance, but for me it was a little gem that gleamed into my life and reminded me that he is out there...somewhere.

It reminded me of nice it feels to be courted as opposed to having someone chase you down to try to  "hookup" with you to see if it "goes anywhere." That's the big difference I have found between guys my age and men in their thirties, older guys don't even think that that bs hookup culture is how you go about a girl that you like and want to pursue.

And I just love that!

 I know that I'm going to get over all of the bad I have felt even though I am never going to get an apology or even an admission that what my ex did was wrong, selfish, manipulative and absolutely hurtful. It's cool though, it seems the universe has got this. 

I just didn't see the green light...

Ever since I was a child 

I've turned it over in my mind 

I sang by the piano 

Tore my yellow dress and 

Cried and cried and cried 

And I don't want to see what I've seen 

To undo what has been done 

Turn off all the lights 

Let the morning come, come 

Now there's green light in my eyes 

And my lover on my mind 

And I sing from the piano 

Tear my yellow dress and 

Cry and cry and cry 

Over the love of you 

On this champagne-drunken home 

Against the current of gold 

Everybody see I love him 

'Cause it's the feeling that you get 

When the afternoon is set 

On the bridge into the city 

I don't want to see what I've seen 

To undo what has been done 

Turn off all the lights 

Let the morning come 

There's green light in my eyes 

And my lover on my mind 

And I sing from the piano 

Tear my yellow dress and 

Cry and cry and cry 

'Cause your're a hard soul to save 

With an ocean in the way 

But I'll get around it 

'Cause your’re a hard soul to save 

With an ocean in the way 

But I'll get around it 

Now there's green light in my eyes 

And my lover on my mind 

And I sing from the piano 

Tear my yellow dress and 

Cry and cry and cry 

Over the love of you 

Cry and cry and cry 

Over the love of you 

(I can see the green light 

I can see it in your eyes) 

Cry and cry and cry 

Over the love of you 

I can see the green light 

I can see it in your eyes

The Day That Was

Ever had one of those? I had the one to end all of them today. There was a bomb scare in town today. It was scary. It was close to where I work. It was like my worst fears coming true and after the week we all had with Boston and really the year, including Sandy Hook, it's an absolutely terrifying world sometimes. I don't want to get up one morning and die at my job, I think that's become one of my bigger fears after the year that we have all lived through. It's been a lot.

So there was that.

And then as I get to lunch, I just want to sit on my phone and eat my food. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm tired, I'm grumpy and really, what a morning that was. But, people love to talk to me. Broken people gravitate to me like I am the mothership of all that is broken and lost in the world. It can be human and it is even animals too.

I once had a guy that I dated tell me that it is because it is very calm and peaceful to be around me. Being around me is comforting. I guess, I mean that guy turned out to be a total looney tune so I guess he would be able to tell me why I am the epicenter of the lost, the broken, the crazy, the damaged and even those that are just different.

Today wasn't anything new. I'm sitting at lunch and sure enough this elderly woman moves to sit across from me. Within a minute, not even, we go from talking about life abroad to how she moved with her husband to Sweden and for 27 years loved him, raised his children and lived there with him, teaching. That is until one day he decided that he didn't love her...after 27 years...and goes off with the woman he decides he does love. And she's just too broken to watch him be with her so she leaves. She leaves the life she built, her children and even her grandchildren and comes home to substitute teach because no on wants to hire her here because she's too old and has too much experience that no one wants to pay for.

She made me glad that I have pretty much decided that I am just one of those people that don't have someone out there in the world. I'm one of those alone people and that's both relieving and even enlightening when I hear stuff like this. Craziness.

And as if that wasn't enough, there was a kid in my class today that is somewhere on the autism spectrum. I felt probably Aspergers. We were BFFing over the past couple of days and he would always ask me for help so I would help him.

Today he realizes that it's take your child to work day tomorrow and thus this conversation follows:

Child: "Tomorrow is take your child to work day and if you're still our teacher then that means you'll bring your kid! And we can meet them!"
Me: "Oh. It is isn't it? Well that's sweet, but I don't have any children."
Child: "Well, I hope that time comes for you soon."

Ma, have you been talking to my students?

The Search for Mr. Fabulous: A Generation of Women That "Wait"

Following my breakup which was really a year in the making, probably from the point that I had first met him, my girlfriends and family had all rallied around me. And I needed that. When I had been in that "relationship," I pretty much got alienated from my life and usually your boyfriend fills in those spots for the friends that don't want to stick around, don't like who you're with or who are just off doing their thing while you do yours, but mine never did. He stayed distant and separate all the time.

And my friends picked up on that and I tried to hide it because I didn't want my friends to not like him, but it's sort of a hard thing to hide when people ask you to do things at times that they expect you to you know, be with your boyfriend and you're only all too happy to accept. Or, you call them when you had plans with your boyfriend to then make plans with them because you got cancelled on again and well, sitting home stewing is just not time you want to waste.

I had become one of those women that waits - waits for it to get better, wait for them to get better, wait for them to realize...

During the first few months oh did I vent. I let it all out because I had been holding everything in for so long. I dwelled heavily on how he always treated me like an option not a priority and then when I got to the breakup part of my never ending band boy novel, I just unloaded about how nasty he became when I didn't want to do his "let's take a break, but still be BFF and it's all good."

No, thanks.

Then my friends I guess in a way to make me feel better over the saga that I had lived in, in the land of the gray band boy area for a year, would then tell me about someone they knew. Another friend or a friend of a friend or whatever.

"He sounds very immature, and seriously needs to grow up, but maybe that just means you're not meant to be together now, but one day when he's ready, you will be!"

Face. Palm. "Oh...you mean when he realizes?"

"No really, I have this friend and she dated this guy and he jerked her around for weeks, months, years, etc., but then one day he realized!"

"Oh so he made a commitment to her? They're planning to get married?"

"Well...no, but they're moving in together! And she's leaving her life, job, friends, etc. and she's just so happy."

Really? How is that any different? You're going to sell yourself out after however long he jerked you around to then have the pleasure of having his name on a lease with you? A lease. You are giving up everything...for a lease.

Since when did the lease become some big commitment? A lease is nothing. It's a piece of paper carrying bigger consequences for when he once again gets scared/decides it's not what he really wants/decides to play the jerk around game again. I don't get it. If you want a wife, make a commitment. This whole thing of my generation where it's you date for a period of time and then move in together before getting married is just stupid to me. You know if you want a life with someone and you figure that out pretty quickly, why do you need to play house as some "big step" towards an actual commitment? If you want to live with it, ya gotta put a ring on it.

And for what? Just to have your time waste when you could be out there single, enjoying your life your way and setting yourself up to meet the person that is not going to jerk you around or treat you any less than you deserve!

So ladies, you ready? STOP WAITING! Ditch that loser who does not realize the fabulousness that is you. And move on because the guy that will marry you, who will make a real, honest commitment to you is not the guy that strung you along for months, a year, years, etc. but will from the moment that meets you treat you with the respect and dignity that your feelings deserve.

Life changes while you're busy making other plans...

Things happen to you in life and sometimes those things are absolutely amazing and sometimes they are the most rotten, horrible things that come your way. It can be hard, but if you're lucky you're strong enough to get through those bad things and if you're really, really lucky? Then you have friends and family that love you and are there for you when you need them.

And eventually, you overcome that bad thing that happened and you arrive on the other side of it. It's unexpected and you are shocked when you do, but you get there and it's good.

I arrived on the other side probably sometime this weekend. My friend Laura had randomly texted me Friday afternoon if I was interested in seeing Rocky Horror and if I'd want to get dinner at Old Bay in New Brunswick.

Heck yes!

Old Bay was just like I remembered it: dark, overpriced and eh, but the company was good and we laughed about old 80's commercials and TV shows over dinner. I had a drink which was called swamp water. It tasted like lime, but it was so green that it reminded me of that ecto-cooler HI-C juice boxes that we used to have growing up:

And then we headed over to The Den to catch some Rocky Horror! I didn't know much about it, had never saw it and all I did know about it was that Tim Curry played the lead in the movie version. Apparently, if you are attending your very first show, you get marked with lipstick - "V for Virgin" and they find some way to embarrass you during the show.

I got V'd and then I was embarrassed and the show was great. Midway through I realized that someone I was once good friends with was there, but because of differences of opinions we hadn't spoken for many months. Rocky Horror though fixed a friendship and thus, all was forgiven. Funny how life simple does that for you eventually.

Saturday brought book club where we got lunch at the Loving Hut in Matawan. I was a bit leery of an all vegan place, but it was really good! I got vegan won-ton soup and it was amazing. The won-tons were stuffed with mushrooms:

At book club we discussed that awful Julie Klausner book. We were all in agreement that after the introduction, it just went down hill fast and by the end of it you just wound up hating her for being dumb and gross for 100-something pages.

Afterbook club and vegans goodies, came my friend Keriann's last night out. She's moving to Colorado for work and for love, so it's not terrible, but I'm going to miss her. We grew up together and had only recently rekindled a friendship. I wish we had more time before she leaves, but she has an adventure to get to, so safe travels and good luck to her! Copious amounts of pictures were taken and there was much fist-pumping to be had:

Sunday should have brought more New Brunswick and a fundraiser, but I was so exhausted from the night before that I opted to stay home. At nearly 27 years old, my body declared that it is too old to be out until 2am after being out until 1am the night before. I was absolutely beat and wound up napping midday. I did finish the softest baby blanket in the world for a non-existent baby though. The yarn had been on sale and it was just so soft that I had to buy it and thus make it:

And! If all of this wasn't enough. I was notified today that I was officially registered and enrolled in a graduate writing program that I had literally applied to on a whim several months ago. I never thought I'd actually get it, but thank you, Miss Burton's Class because it is you that I submitted and it is you that they liked enough to admit me.

I start June 17th.

I'm amazed with how much my life has fallen apart, changed and slowly has begun to come back together. 

My Hiatus

Five years ago I took a hiatus from dating and well from life as a whole. It was hard. I was hurt, lonely and I couldn't find a job for the life of me because the economy tanked. 

And for three years, I didn't date. I had very little to do with guys. I cared, but I didn't.

And then for the past two years with the job and graduate school all figured out, I dated all different kinds of guys and found myself single again. And today as I left work, my third French teaching job in a year, I felt very happy with it just being me again.

I get up, I go to work, I speak French and then I come home and watch Mad Men on netflix while I craft. I even stained my desk chair to match my new furniture. I've been reading all of the books I've had piling up and I am even nearly finished making the softest baby blanket in the history of the world.

The yarn was just so soft, I had to buy it even though there is no baby for this blanket, but seriously, this blanket just had to exist. And it will and will probably be given to one of my college friends that are all getting married and you know, having babies. Or, it will sit in my closest until that day where I need it.

It's weird, I blinked and suddenly everyone I went to school with has moved on with their lives. I have too, but I am officially the last one that's still waiting on that special guy to show up. That idea used to scare the crap out of me, being the last one. But it has happened and I'm happy.

I'm just doing me. This year was a big one, my first  "real" job, having a boyfriend for a hot second, buying a car, getting completely out of debt, paying back student loans - it was like hello, adulthood. And I did it. I did it all.

I have a banging art program all planned for the summer and a whole bunch of new adventures starting. It's a good feeling and I am enjoying my dating hiatus. Which has a totally undefined ending point. I think the next time I start dating someone will be far into the future and it will also have to be someone that wows me from the beginning. The next one, is going to be the right one and until then, I'm just going to teach, paint, knit, watch copious amounts of netflix and craft.

He's out there, he's just with all the wrong women right now and he's going to have to find me, I'm done looking for him.

Meeting Mr. Fabulous

Have you ever watched the movie Practical Magic with Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman? It's one of my favorites. I absolutely love it. I love when Sandra Bullock's character creates her true love spell for the guy that she thinks doesn't exist. Only he does and he eventually finds her and well, a whole bunch of stuff happens and he eventually comes to love her. Total chick movie. And I can watch it over and over again without shame.

It got me thinking. Though, I am not longer a relationship blogger or web columnist and lack any real desire to blog about my experiences, I still do think about what it is going to be like when I go fall in love again and hopefully the next time will be with the right person. Which then today got me to thinking what I want the right person to be like.

In college, my room mate and I wrote out these long lists of what we thought we wanted in our true loves. I held onto it for years, but I think I have since thrown it away in the great ex boyfriend stuff purge of 2012.

On Easter, my uncle I think got me so mad for the first time ever in life. It's kind of hard to get mad at my uncle, but the last thing I wanted to talk about on Easter was my love life. And he went right for it and made a joke about how I should stop dating tall guys and find myself a nice short guy because maybe what I am attracted to and want isn't what is going to make me happy. I quite literally wanted to deck him over the Easter ham as he went on about women he knew that found guys different to what they thought and couldn't be happier. I promptly told him, then that's great for them, I'm glad settling suits them.

Conversation, over.

But that's the thing, my guy is tall. And he's darker featured and he has facial hair. Think Alcide from True Blood.

He's creative in his own way. He knows how to think outside the box and find different approaches to things. He's good at building and fixing things, he enjoys doing that.

He plays music, but in the way that he does not in anyway shape or form have some dead end dream about being a famous rocker boy. Instead, it's something that he does for the fun of it and the enjoyment rather than the unrealistic ideal that he'll one day be the next Van Halen.

He went to college. And maybe even graduate school. He's ambitious and driven to make a good life for himself where he can support himself and be comfortable.

He believes in God, but not in some nut-so fanatic way, but in the way that he truly knows that there is a higher power and that we do come from that.

He shares my sense of humor and can play it back with equally snappy sarcasm.

He's tender and kind. He can anticipate my needs. He's calmer than I am so when I get all wound up like I do, he knows how to handle it and not get all wound up with me.

He can talk to me about anything and I with him. And even with the hard stuff, it's really not hard because we can make jokes about it with ease.

We have fun just being together, even if we're doing nothing at all.

And he plays with my hair until I fall asleep and holds me while he does it, letting me drift off on his chest.

Most importantly, he believes in family and wants one of his own someday, one that includes me and the potential for children eventually.

And from the moment he meets me, he thinks enough of me to treat me with respect and make me a priority in his life. Spending time with me and getting to know everything that makes me well, me!

When he does spend time with me, he makes me feel protected and cared for. He does things like walking me to my door, opening car doors for me and walking me into a place. As independent as I am, I just love when a guy does that. It makes me feel good.

And he's out there, he just hasn't found his way to me just yet.