Hello, Thirties!

This summer is just flying by and so much has happened and so much has changed, I can't even find time to write...not even in my paper journal.

I spent a week in Chicago this summer, it is the farthest west I have ever been. While there my department chair endorsed my research topic for my dissertation. I am a year out from entering comps for my PhD...it's getting a little scary, I can't lie.

I started selling LuLaRoe clothing and that has been an amazing adventure. It has brought so many new people into my life and it brought back so many old friendships that died as we all were busy growing up. It feels good to see so many faces back in my life.

I turned 30 this summer too, but moments before I did, PHIL PROPOSED! I'm engaged and we're planning a November wedding for next year. AHH! I am so excited to be marrying the love of my life and planning the wedding that we both have always dreamed of. I really can't wait.

I'm actually really excited for this time in my life. I get to be a wife in this decade, and maybe a mom. I'll also hopefully get tenure and finish my PhD. And then begin all new dreams and journeys along with it. I started this blog when I was 23? 24? I spent a lot of time writing about finding love, but now I want to write about what you do once you've found it. 

What Is Found In Grief

There are many things that I have realized and come to except through different periods of my life while I was grieving. My last big bought with it came with the end of my time as a French teacher and coincidentally the end of a rather emotionally abusive relationship. I found art and literature again, and finally finished my masters as I got through it. I also met Phil.

I have written how hard and outright exhausting this year has been, it's just insanity really. My college class that I teach ends next week and upon hearing the news, Phil exclaimed, "oh thank God, I can't wait for this year to be over."

"Have I been then miserable to live with," I asked, half-jokingly.

"Yup, pretty much, but I do still love you," he said.

You can't blame someone who has had the craziest year teaching middle school on top of taking two PhD courses per term AND teaching one of her own English courses at night. There has been a lot of crying this year.

And then, last week tragedy really struck. A former student of mine who was one of my kids-- as teachers you do have students that become closer to you, your kids-- was shot in the head while she was out with her friends and died two days later. The morning of the news of her passing, teachers, including myself were balling their eyes out as we tried to get through the day and teach. It was awful. It was so beyond anything I ever prepared myself for when I became a teacher. Last year, her mother died and she was notified of her passing in my class. I felt completely helpless then, but now, I didn't even know what to say as some of my most challenging students sobbed and clung to me for dear life.

I somehow blindly got through the week and Phil and I got to spend the weekend together which is unheard of because we are on opposite schedules. We went out to lunch on the water and ran errands for the house, stopping at an adoption center for dogs. We were just looking for fun. We had talked about getting another dog because Molly really wants to play with someone and the cats have pretty much told her to f off, so we figured someday we'd be adding another dog. Turns out Saturday was that day. We walked in and saw all kinds of cute dogs, but there was one that the moment we had walked in, came right to the front of the cage and started to try to burrow his way out. He had no interest in anyone else but us and it was weird because even though the place was packed, no one else was even looking at him.

An hour later, he was sitting in my lap snoozing on the way home. We hadn't even gotten to PetSmart yet and Phil looked at me and goes, "Can we call him Behr, but B-E-H-R?"

"Only if we can call him Professor Behr," I add.

"That's perfect!!"

"It is, it's from Little Women-- Jo marries Professor Behr in the end."

"You're a literature nerd."

"Mhhhmm."

And so, Professor Behr, the bichon frise was born. The cats ignore him and so far Molly has been seething jealousy, but at the same time trying to play with him too. And so, this week taught me anything it's to surround yourself with what you love. Plant gardens, paint pictures, plan adventures, raise children and animals. Write and read books, teach classes and do it all with your partner if you are lucky enough to find them. Most importantly, don't let anyone dull your happiness because they're bitter or don't agree with what you've chosen for yourself. Love the life you want because you only get one. Professor Behr, our newest addition, will always be my reminder.

Our 2nd Anniversary & the Power of the Universe

I had this dream the other night about Bad Love. Up until that point, I couldn't even tell you the last time I had thought about him let alone had a dream about him. It was very strange. We met at what I think was a cafe and he sat in front of me and told me how he wanted to make it work out. All I kept saying was, "what about Phil?" He eventually starts getting frustrated with this answer and stops talking. It's one of those heavy, awkward silences that's almost painful. I get his attention again and I go, "You know what? I don't need you anymore."

And just like that, he got up and left. Then, I woke up.

"Been around the world so many times,I'm of the air, I'm of the sky. I wonder what my feet need the ground for, no one sing lullabies no more."

Fast forward to last night when my friend Catie and I were working on editing my latest manuscript because I promised myself that this was the year I was going to publish as much as I could. It's another manuscript that I had written and worked on and off on for several years...I would just always get nervous having people read my stuff. Which is really stupid when I think about how much of my stuff is out there for people to read. Anyway, this leads to discussion of Bad Love and the dream I had.

And then...it happened. When Bad Love and I were dating, he drew a picture of the Eiffel Tower for me. I so loved it. It was beautiful and it was my favorite place-- PARIS! It was the one thing I kept from that relationship over the years. It lived in a book case and it matched two more drawings I had acquired from a thrift store of the Arc de Triomphe and Sacre Coeur. Phil came into the room holding the broken frame and apologizing that it was the strangest thing, it just toppled out of and off the bookcase, breaking into four different pieces. Every other picture that's in there is still there, including the one that was in front of the drawing. Phil also had no idea what I was talking about to Catie at that moment because we were facebook messaging.

How creepy is that? The universe is very clearly wrapping up a brief chapter of my life that I turned into an extremely long chapter by using Bad Love as an excuse to date tool bag wannabe band boys.

Today also marks the two year anniversary of when Phil and I sat in an Applebee's drinking and eating hamburgers and playing never have I ever with a napkin. We were "official" by the end of that date and I think that was really only our 3rd or 4th date overall. We pretty much met and that was it, the rest were just formalities. Two years later, having backpacked across Europe together, gone to Disney World, adopted a dog and bought a house-- I can say that we have definitely been busy :0).

We spent the day today shoveling out from the monster blizzard we had and recuperating. I actually took a nap today that how run down and tired I feel with all that's going on. I'm thankful to have a snow day tomorrow and I'm also thankful that I got to be snowed in on my anniversary with the man I love, our dopey dog and our silly cats. It was definitely one of those super awesome weekends where you didn't have much of anything to do and you just got to be with your person.

Getting to watch Molly almost somersault backwards because she got stuck in a snow drift on our deck was also pretty priceless.  

A Little Disney Magic for Christmas

We just got back from Disney World. It was Phil's second time going and it was my first. It was worth the nearly 30 year wait for me to go. I rode a lot of rides, including my first ever upside down roller coaster. I'm getting ready to leave for my family's so we can have this delicious Slovak dinner. I'll post in the next few days over at A Hart Full of Love with photos and stories. 

Merry Christmas Eve!

My Life is Changing...As I Write It

When I think about how much my life has changed since I started this blog it really blows my mind.

But when I realize how so much of my life came together over the past two years, I am even more blown away. And for the first time in a long time, I can see why I had to go through and do certain things because each step lead me to another and then another, before I was in the place that I was always supposed to be in.

Now, here I am, nearly 30 years old, teaching, writing, finishing a PhD, putting together my first house and talking, seriously, about getting engaged to my boyfriend of the past two years.

And even more on the surprising side of my life, I have been researching what it takes to become a foster parent in the state of NJ. I teach in an urban, high poverty middle school. By the time I get these kids, it's already too late for some of them. And that's too many kids. Your teenage years should be about drama, and friends and dreaming about how fabulous your life is going to be once you graduate high school. It shouldn't be about worrying about going home because someone is going to be drunk and abusive, or fearful because that walk home isn't the safest, or worrying about once you get home how hungry you're going to be because you only get to eat when you're in school and getting free breakfast and lunch.

And kids should angst, they should angst over it all. But they shouldn't be so angry that they want to shut out the world. Shut out themselves and just stop where they are at the age of 13.

So, while I know my home would not be a good fit for an older child who has seen all of this and is going through it, I do know that we could be a home for a younger child who needs to be shown what love and stability is.

I see Phil with our dog, I mean it's ridiculous. She sleeps in our room because the cats like to have free roam at night. I tell her to go to her bed and she does. She will never try to sneak in next to me unless I call her. However, Phil spends many sleepless nights with her, sneaking onto his side of the bed, having to be next to him. Then last night, I was half asleep in bed and the dog was on her's. I hear Phil get up and go over to her. He gets her off her bed, and starts fluffing it for her and talking to her like a baby as he rearranges it all for her and then lets her go back on it. He tells her, that she has to be comfortable.

That's when I fall in love with him even more and once again I'm reminded of the kind of dad that he's going to be.

It set me up for a really nice day today, even if my students are insane because Christmas break is only 12 days away....

I'm Tired Today, but Thankful

It's Friday. And the kids are crazy. The exhaustion is finally starting to set in. I spend much of September running myself ragged trying to get my classroom together and my kids in line. It's usually around this point every year that routines get established and then I realized just how tired I am.

I don't think going on for my PhD this year is helping at all, either. I've begun my dissertation and have settled on sticking to my desire to research the need for creativity in urban education as opposed to the RTI, climate and culture and all that other hot words that my adviser is trying to push all of us towards. I would be so bored writing about any of that because I feel as a teacher in an urban school, that's all I ever do.

August 2014: Somewhere in Europe, clearly tired yet goofy.

I'm attending my first residency at the end of the month which is really exciting. This also mean Phil will have to take care of our dog and cats for four days. This is also  the first time in the two years that we've been together that I'll be away for that long. Phil told me he'll be sure to throw a house party. I imagine a more realistic night of him playing video games until the sun comes out.

It's funny when I realize how much my life has changed over the past three years. I no longer stress out about crappy dates with crappy guys. I own my own house and no longer have to feel trapped in the attic. And, I'm pursuing my dreams while getting to travel while getting to share this with a man that I was always supposed to be with.

I'm just feeling pretty tired, but overall, pretty thankful today too.

Every Girl & Her 3 Big Loves

There's this theory that every woman has three big loves of her life. This theory was largely perpetuated by one of my all time favorite shows, Sex and the City, wherein Charlotte inadvertently insults Carrie by saying every woman gets three. Carrie then takes it the wrong way when she realizes that that would mean she was done and at the time single.

I was reminded of that episode today. For some reason, perhaps it's the change of the seasons or all the change that's happening in my life right now, but today, two people closest to me where bringing up the big loves of my life. Note: This means I've had my big three (maybe three and a half).

And at almost 30, about to move in with my longterm boyfriend into the house we just bought, I am okay with that. However, it did get me thinking and it reminded me how each woman in my life had picked a different love for me to wind up with.

Christmas 2014.

There was my high school into college sweetheart who was my first everything. We drifted apart our senior year of college for a variety of reasons, but I think the big one was that he is very happy living a life in the town that he grew up in and I have always had my sights set on bigger things. That year, I had lived abroad for the first time and my wanderlust thirst was only beginning. We're still friends and talk on occasion. Most importantly, we're both happy too. My dad always thought that this love would be the one I married.

Then came the big one, my first relationship after my high school sweetheart. I was just out of college and trying to figure myself out. I hadn't found a job yet. He was four years older and the exact opposite of my ex-boyfriend. He knew how to woo a girl-- flowers, phone calls until all hours of the night, cute little things...it didn't take long for me to fall hard. And then, for it to all fall apart rather quickly. We were young. He still had a lot of jerky boy crap to go through and he had to live out his college days. It was devastating though and it hurt me for a long time. This love plunged me into moving around, taking big risks, dating really stupid guys and just not caring. Years later, we would try to be friends but somewhere in him saying something stupid to me on Facebook and then asking me for advice about a girl he was dating....it just didn't last long. Before it got to that point though, my mom thought that this was the love that I would marry.

Now here's the half. And no, no one thought I would marry this one. This was the broken guy, the emotionally unavailable guy that liked having me around, but God forbid he ever commit and seriously, how dare I even think about dating other men. Being with him was like a drug and it became a really bad addiction. The drama and the constant up and down with him was at times exhilarating especially when there were times where I felt like I "won." Won what, I am not sure, but at the time if something went my way or filled a want, then I had won and it made me want to keep going. When he did finally half-ass commit, it was short lived. I had a date set that I was going to dump him, he beat me to it though and for some reason that hurt more than anything else he had done. Later on, we tried the friendship thing. Also, short lived. I call this my half because looking back now, I think I was more addicted to the chase of it than I was in love with this person. He was pretty crappy to me...a lot...but it was really like a drug. One that I was happy to finally have kicked and after him? Well, I called every guy out on their bs the moment I found it in dating. No one thought this was the love I would marry, but this was the love that changed me and made me harder to get.

Which leads me to Phil, my last love. The kind of love that wrote me a poem on our third date, and came with me on my grand European backpacking tour, who brings me diet soda and rubs my feet (with lotion) and tucks me int bed at night. The kind of love that washes my hair and brings me flowers because it's Thursday and he wanted to. The kind of love that makes up the worst songs and sings them to me when we cuddle. The kind of love that I can see being the father of my children and growing old with him. The kind of love that lets me be myself, even if that means I make ASMR videos on school vacations just for fun. The kind of love that I know I'll marry. 

Moving Forward

I started this blog years ago and at first it started as a photo project that didn't really work and then it became my own where I wrote about my first real "adult" heartbreak and moving on from it. Then, after dating all kinds of idiots, I wrote about finally finding a non-idiot who really was the biggest idiot of them all.

And then, I sort of just stopped writing.

I got busy with other things-- with teaching and traveling, mainly backpacking through Europe (with the man I eventually met), and finding myself in a good, loving relationship and then before I knew it, with moving out completely on my own with no room mates or college lifestyle to fall back on.

And then, I finished my masters and begun the steps towards a PhD.

....And then, I bought a house.

However, most importantly, I think I'm finally learning the importance of just breathing and enjoying something. I've worked really hard to get to this point and I have done it on my own and unlike some women my age, I have done this without the help of a husband or live-in boyfriend.

I've gotten to the point of having what I wanted and I sort of noticed the enormity of that feeling as I was packing up my kitchen for the move to my house. I took off all of the magnets that Phil and I collected throughout Europe, along with the ones I picked up on my own travels including a couple magnets I bought on a class trip with my 8th graders last year and one I got at the local museum in the city that I teach in.

I was a little sad as I looked them over before I packed them and realized how exciting each of those moments were that inspired a magnet purchase and now they're all over. And at times, I don't know if I fully appreciated them as I lived them or maybe that's just because I'm looking back now.

It sort of made me realize now that as this year winds down, there are things that I want to do next year to make me enjoy everything that I have now more. I want to blog more and read for fun more. I know that my PhD classes are going to take up most of my time, but I would like to make time for things I like do like blogging and reading. I really would like to finally finish the book I started for my thesis or the second year of Miss Burton's Class. It's just hard and for the first time in many years, I have found manuscript writing to be beyond difficult. Maybe that can be next year's plan or something soon....

Who knows.

Looking for travel?

Then, you should check out my other blog "A Hart Full of Love" for a complete review of my month in Europe! 

Well...Hello There 2014!

I have gotten so busy that I rarely write anymore unless it's for my masters.

Which is already more than half over already?

Much like the school year is half over and I am now working towards wrapping up my first full year of teaching middle school English.

While I'm dating this wonderful guy who does really sweet things for me like keeping a blanket in his car for me so when I get into it and it's cold, he tucks me into the my seat :).

And I'm going back to Europe this summer?

Backpacking throughout Europe most likely with aforementioned sweet guy that I'm dating?

And it all just sort of feels good and exciting and happy...

This is my years of nevers. I always said I would never teach in an urban school and I would never teach middle school again. I am doing both and I absolutely love it. I also said I would never meet anyone at work...and I did...thank God I am officially done with online dating. And I also felt like I was never going to get to go back to Europe, but I'm getting that too.

And after last year, I am just *so thankful* for all of this. It feels so good to be happy and peaceful again. 

What are you looking for in love?

"I want to know that if my limbs fall off we'd still be together no matter what. And when he says my name it sounds different in his mouth. You know? Like it's safe there. Or, I put on perfume and he puts on cologne and we go out and we can smell each other. Or that he can make me smile when I'm tired. Thats a big one. That when you tell them something that you're scared to tell them because you're afraid they'll stop loving you. But when you tell them, it actually makes them love you more. You tell them that you like their shirt and they end up wearing it everyday. The greatest example of this is my grandparents. My grandmother has arthritis in her hands and she can't bend down to paint her toes so my grandfather does it for her all the time. Even though he has arthritis in his hands too."

So...are you out there dude? Out there and looking to find me and love me even if something super bad happens and I end up with four nubs instead of limbs? Anyone? Bueller?

The Search for Mr. Fabulous: A Generation of Women That "Wait"

Following my breakup which was really a year in the making, probably from the point that I had first met him, my girlfriends and family had all rallied around me. And I needed that. When I had been in that "relationship," I pretty much got alienated from my life and usually your boyfriend fills in those spots for the friends that don't want to stick around, don't like who you're with or who are just off doing their thing while you do yours, but mine never did. He stayed distant and separate all the time.

And my friends picked up on that and I tried to hide it because I didn't want my friends to not like him, but it's sort of a hard thing to hide when people ask you to do things at times that they expect you to you know, be with your boyfriend and you're only all too happy to accept. Or, you call them when you had plans with your boyfriend to then make plans with them because you got cancelled on again and well, sitting home stewing is just not time you want to waste.

I had become one of those women that waits - waits for it to get better, wait for them to get better, wait for them to realize...

During the first few months oh did I vent. I let it all out because I had been holding everything in for so long. I dwelled heavily on how he always treated me like an option not a priority and then when I got to the breakup part of my never ending band boy novel, I just unloaded about how nasty he became when I didn't want to do his "let's take a break, but still be BFF and it's all good."

No, thanks.

Then my friends I guess in a way to make me feel better over the saga that I had lived in, in the land of the gray band boy area for a year, would then tell me about someone they knew. Another friend or a friend of a friend or whatever.

"He sounds very immature, and seriously needs to grow up, but maybe that just means you're not meant to be together now, but one day when he's ready, you will be!"

Face. Palm. "Oh...you mean when he realizes?"

"No really, I have this friend and she dated this guy and he jerked her around for weeks, months, years, etc., but then one day he realized!"

"Oh so he made a commitment to her? They're planning to get married?"

"Well...no, but they're moving in together! And she's leaving her life, job, friends, etc. and she's just so happy."

Really? How is that any different? You're going to sell yourself out after however long he jerked you around to then have the pleasure of having his name on a lease with you? A lease. You are giving up everything...for a lease.

Since when did the lease become some big commitment? A lease is nothing. It's a piece of paper carrying bigger consequences for when he once again gets scared/decides it's not what he really wants/decides to play the jerk around game again. I don't get it. If you want a wife, make a commitment. This whole thing of my generation where it's you date for a period of time and then move in together before getting married is just stupid to me. You know if you want a life with someone and you figure that out pretty quickly, why do you need to play house as some "big step" towards an actual commitment? If you want to live with it, ya gotta put a ring on it.

And for what? Just to have your time waste when you could be out there single, enjoying your life your way and setting yourself up to meet the person that is not going to jerk you around or treat you any less than you deserve!

So ladies, you ready? STOP WAITING! Ditch that loser who does not realize the fabulousness that is you. And move on because the guy that will marry you, who will make a real, honest commitment to you is not the guy that strung you along for months, a year, years, etc. but will from the moment that meets you treat you with the respect and dignity that your feelings deserve.