International Adoption

I once watched this movie on Netflix. It was a documentary about these institutions, those deemed "orphanages" in places like the Ukraine. I balled my eyes out watching it. You saw these skeletal children who all looked like infants even though most were school age children, laying in bare beds, rocking back and forth to self-soothe themselves. I could not believe this sort of place existed on this Earth in 2014. How could anyone work there? Or even allow that place to remain open and functioning?

The reality though, was this was the face of the unwanted. No one cared enough to stop this place from existing because other than the families that went there to save a child, mostly international adoptions, no one gave a shit about those kids. They were left there to rot and those that worked there did what they needed to do to keep these aching, living skeletons alive, but at the end of the day, they went home to their own lives.

It just makes be very sad and very angry. The other night I watched, The Normal Heart. Another movie with so much commentary on how society is so quick to do nothing when faced with a side of humanity that is sickening and weak and so wrong. One of the best quotes of the entire movie was Ned Weeks's argument to his dying, AIDS ridden partner, where he exclaims "Felix, weakness terrifies me. It scares the shit out of me. My father was weak and I’m afraid I’ll be like him. His life didn’t stand for anything, and then it was over. So I fight. Constantly. And if I can do it, I can’t understand why everybody else can’t do it, too."

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Were we always a society of people who generally did nothing except for the few? I have always been a fighter. I fight for myself. My family. My friends. My students. My animals-- I don't know how to not fight. If I felt pulled or impassioned by a cause, I have always been there and I have always seen it through to the end. And I just don't understand why everyone else can't do it too.

It is not always easy to be a fighter. Sometimes it does cause problems in my relationship. Phil is more of a fixer than a fighter. As he says, once I get an idea into my head, I am off fighting through the trenches for it and making sure I do it despite how he feels on the subject. I am often quick to come back with how he doesn't own me and this is who I am. Maybe someday we'll find more common ground on the subject. Until then, I think comprise is key and also reminding him on how on more than one occasion that very quality came to completely benefit him.

Even though I get so frustrated because I find it so much easier to just do than to sit back and allow travesties to go on. Or to not help if I can, even if it means what I take on makes my own life harder. Isn't that the point of it all?

I read another foster mom blog today. She adopted a boy from the Ukraine, a 4-year-old boy who didn't even fit into 12-month-old clothing because he was so malnourished. She wrote, "I have become convinced that to be indifferent, to do nothing, to ignore, to refuse to act, to stand back and allow broken and wounded populations to continue to suffer...this is the great sin of our lifetime. We are a generation of emotionally paralyzed people, and thus our behaviors become paralyzed. We spend so much time waiting for a sign, a signal, a calling...that we forget to DO. This simply must change. We as humans, as fellow travelers in this life, in this moment, must work, and work HARD to change what is unjust. The moment is now. Stalling has only ever cost us liberties, time, and lives. The procrastination just isn't worth the price."

When did we all become pacifists?  How are we all so blind and okay with being blind as long as it doesn't affect our lives?

You can read more about this mom and her adoption at her blog, The Sometimes 8 Irons.She shared many pictures of her son from before and after his adoption.

My Life is Changing...As I Write It

When I think about how much my life has changed since I started this blog it really blows my mind.

But when I realize how so much of my life came together over the past two years, I am even more blown away. And for the first time in a long time, I can see why I had to go through and do certain things because each step lead me to another and then another, before I was in the place that I was always supposed to be in.

Now, here I am, nearly 30 years old, teaching, writing, finishing a PhD, putting together my first house and talking, seriously, about getting engaged to my boyfriend of the past two years.

And even more on the surprising side of my life, I have been researching what it takes to become a foster parent in the state of NJ. I teach in an urban, high poverty middle school. By the time I get these kids, it's already too late for some of them. And that's too many kids. Your teenage years should be about drama, and friends and dreaming about how fabulous your life is going to be once you graduate high school. It shouldn't be about worrying about going home because someone is going to be drunk and abusive, or fearful because that walk home isn't the safest, or worrying about once you get home how hungry you're going to be because you only get to eat when you're in school and getting free breakfast and lunch.

And kids should angst, they should angst over it all. But they shouldn't be so angry that they want to shut out the world. Shut out themselves and just stop where they are at the age of 13.

So, while I know my home would not be a good fit for an older child who has seen all of this and is going through it, I do know that we could be a home for a younger child who needs to be shown what love and stability is.

I see Phil with our dog, I mean it's ridiculous. She sleeps in our room because the cats like to have free roam at night. I tell her to go to her bed and she does. She will never try to sneak in next to me unless I call her. However, Phil spends many sleepless nights with her, sneaking onto his side of the bed, having to be next to him. Then last night, I was half asleep in bed and the dog was on her's. I hear Phil get up and go over to her. He gets her off her bed, and starts fluffing it for her and talking to her like a baby as he rearranges it all for her and then lets her go back on it. He tells her, that she has to be comfortable.

That's when I fall in love with him even more and once again I'm reminded of the kind of dad that he's going to be.

It set me up for a really nice day today, even if my students are insane because Christmas break is only 12 days away....

Creating Beauty

I guess when things fall apart you sort of get two options - let it destroy you or take it as a means to start something new. Since it all changed, I've been focusing on the starting something new. I've been working on and finishing most of the projects I have started and had yet to start since I now seem to have all of this free time on my hands.

This weekend was really laid back compared to my non-stop weekend last week. I read about half of Lisa Genova's Left Neglected for my book club and I started to knit a Ravenclaw scarf that I have wanted to make since forever, but never really got around to making. Next fall, hopefully when I have my English teaching job, I will totally be rocking my Harry Potter scarf to class.

I had also bought a new bed several months ago, but it's black and the furniture I inherited from my great aunt is not. And so I started messing with some of it, like the rocking chair that got ruined over the years and an old chair that I think I actually got from a garage sale:

The rocking chair was harder. I added the decal you see on the top which meant that I also had to gloss part of the chair and make it match the rest of the chair. It looks great though, I even antiqued it a little bit.

I spent yesterday gardening. I planted over 50 lilies in the front garden. They are my absolute favorite and I tried to include every kind that they had at the garden center. It's going to be beautiful when they bloom. I also added wild flowers in between them. It's going to be a sight!

Today I tried to re-teach myself self portraiture. I was never very good at it and since I haven't really kept up with drawing, I think it's going to take a lot of practice to get it right:

And then I watched endless amounts of LOST. About half way through my marathon I decided that if I was a character that I would be John Locke because he's the realist who always tries to see why people do and say what they do. He also always seems to pick the wrong person to love, with any kind of love, not just romantic usually because he always tries to see the good in people. It sort of sets him up for failure and to get burned...story of my life. 

Then, just like that the weekend is over and I'm back to work tomorrow, doing both jobs. I just have to keep believing that this upcoming year is going to be MY YEAR in every sense of the word....

I love LOST for all of the different side stories and how they all come together, even before the crash. And I absolutely love the love story of Bernard and Rose:

Life changes while you're busy making other plans...

Things happen to you in life and sometimes those things are absolutely amazing and sometimes they are the most rotten, horrible things that come your way. It can be hard, but if you're lucky you're strong enough to get through those bad things and if you're really, really lucky? Then you have friends and family that love you and are there for you when you need them.

And eventually, you overcome that bad thing that happened and you arrive on the other side of it. It's unexpected and you are shocked when you do, but you get there and it's good.

I arrived on the other side probably sometime this weekend. My friend Laura had randomly texted me Friday afternoon if I was interested in seeing Rocky Horror and if I'd want to get dinner at Old Bay in New Brunswick.

Heck yes!

Old Bay was just like I remembered it: dark, overpriced and eh, but the company was good and we laughed about old 80's commercials and TV shows over dinner. I had a drink which was called swamp water. It tasted like lime, but it was so green that it reminded me of that ecto-cooler HI-C juice boxes that we used to have growing up:

And then we headed over to The Den to catch some Rocky Horror! I didn't know much about it, had never saw it and all I did know about it was that Tim Curry played the lead in the movie version. Apparently, if you are attending your very first show, you get marked with lipstick - "V for Virgin" and they find some way to embarrass you during the show.

I got V'd and then I was embarrassed and the show was great. Midway through I realized that someone I was once good friends with was there, but because of differences of opinions we hadn't spoken for many months. Rocky Horror though fixed a friendship and thus, all was forgiven. Funny how life simple does that for you eventually.

Saturday brought book club where we got lunch at the Loving Hut in Matawan. I was a bit leery of an all vegan place, but it was really good! I got vegan won-ton soup and it was amazing. The won-tons were stuffed with mushrooms:

At book club we discussed that awful Julie Klausner book. We were all in agreement that after the introduction, it just went down hill fast and by the end of it you just wound up hating her for being dumb and gross for 100-something pages.

Afterbook club and vegans goodies, came my friend Keriann's last night out. She's moving to Colorado for work and for love, so it's not terrible, but I'm going to miss her. We grew up together and had only recently rekindled a friendship. I wish we had more time before she leaves, but she has an adventure to get to, so safe travels and good luck to her! Copious amounts of pictures were taken and there was much fist-pumping to be had:

Sunday should have brought more New Brunswick and a fundraiser, but I was so exhausted from the night before that I opted to stay home. At nearly 27 years old, my body declared that it is too old to be out until 2am after being out until 1am the night before. I was absolutely beat and wound up napping midday. I did finish the softest baby blanket in the world for a non-existent baby though. The yarn had been on sale and it was just so soft that I had to buy it and thus make it:

And! If all of this wasn't enough. I was notified today that I was officially registered and enrolled in a graduate writing program that I had literally applied to on a whim several months ago. I never thought I'd actually get it, but thank you, Miss Burton's Class because it is you that I submitted and it is you that they liked enough to admit me.

I start June 17th.

I'm amazed with how much my life has fallen apart, changed and slowly has begun to come back together.